Military
Bergdahl Starts New Job at West Point; Defects to Navy

US Army Sergeant and former Taliban collaborator Bowe Bergdahl was recently cleared to return to duty, and moved from his position as an instructor at the Army’s Defense Language Institute to a prestigious new assignment as an “Honor Mentor” at the US Military Academy at West Point.  In this new job, Bergdahl’s primary duties will be to educate, train, and inspire the newest generations of Army leaders, particularly those who struggle with issues of personal honor.

Pentagon Discovers Cure for PTSD

Under the cloak and dagger of this train, mentor, and advise mission, troops and their contractual brethren will be monitored to determine whether their symptoms of PTSD maintain, increase, or decrease throughout their deployment.

Dr. Berghdal Awarded Teaching Position at DLI

Monterey, California (June 18, 2014) – The Department of the Army released a statement regarding ex-prisoner Bowe Berghdal today, announcing that as soon as he is cleared by the medical staff caring for him during his recovery, he will be on orders to the Defense Language Institute (DLI).

Political
President Apologizes for Independence Day

Washington, D.C. – In a surprise move, the President held a late night press conference at the White House last night with a surprising announcement. On the evening of the nations 238th birthday, the President issued a formal apology to the United Kingdom for revolting and instigating hostilities over two centuries ago.

Failed Obamacare™ Architect to Take Over as Head of Veterans’ Administration

Washington, D.C. (May 30, 2014) – In a surprise move designed to coincide with the weekend network news cycle and Americans’ short attention span, outgoing White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced in his final press conference that ousted Veterans Administration Secretary Eric Shenseki will be replaced by former Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebilius.

#winning: Boko Haram Surrenders, Gives Back Our Girls

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Bowing to intense public pressure from hashtag campaigns all over the world, Al Qaeda-affiliated terrorist group Boko Haram disbanded this morning, surrendering its ideology, its leaders, and its heavy weapons, and releasing hundreds of women and girls it kidnapped during its long-running insurgency in northern Nigeria.

World
Malaysia Airlines Now Requires Reflective Belts for Passengers

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – Tragedy has struck again for Malaysia Airlines, only months after their last passenger plane went missing. In light of the 295 passengers who were plucked from the sky at the hands of Ukrainian opposition forces, the airline is taking a page from the U.S. Military’s safety playbook.

Rick Merritt Defeats ISIS in Iraq

Savannah, Georgia – Early reports are coming in that the militant group Islamic State of Iraq and Syria – otherwise known as ISIS, was single handedly defeated by one man last night.

Culture
 NEW STUDY SHOWS DIRECT LINK BETWEEN CROSSFIT AND BEING A FEMALE DOUCHEBAG

The Women of Crossfit are known for their extremely fit bodies, but what are the negative outcomes of this new craze? In a new study conducted by the Froning Center...

Jesse Ventura Hospitalized, Then Sued By Fellow Navy SEALs

Minneapolis, Minnesota – Jesse Ventura, well known as a Navy SEAL, professional wrestler, as well as the governor of Minnesota, has just released a statement confirming rumors about his recent hospitalization. Only hours after winning a 1.8 million dollar settlement against the widow of Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, Ventura was admitted to the Mayo Clinic following symptoms that were confirmed as the onset of...

Man Goes to Heaven, Talks HBO with God

It was just like how people always explain it. I could see this bright light. I was moving down this corridor towards the light. When I got to the end of the corridor, I could see him. God. He looked me over then asked, “So how was it? How was life?” I just shrugged and said, “It was OK.”