Miram Shah, Pakistan (15 November, 2013)- The reclusive leader of the Taliban, Mullah Mohammed Omar, emerged from hiding in his Pakistani government-sponsored safe house in Miram Shah today to announce the publication of the latest in his series of treatises on the Taliban Code of Conduct. “We have suffered numerous setbacks recently,” the grizzled, one-eyed terrorist leader stated. “The US and Pakistani infidels have killed many of our key leaders and are building host nation capacity inside Afghanistan. They also captured our ‘mother of all VBIEDs’ truck before we got the chance to detonate it. Defections are infiltrations are at an all-time high. But all that pales in comparison to a more sinister threat: sexual harassment.”
In an audio tape released to the completely objective and not-at-all-anti-American news network, Al Jazeera, an unexpectedly candid Mullah Omar explained the necessity of issuing guidance to the field (the following translation is provided courtesy of the Combatting Terrorism Center at the United States Military Academy at West Point):
“Back in 2009, things were starting to get a little out of hand. The brothers were… well, they were into some bad stuff. Kidnapping. Extortion. Mutilation. Drug making. Drug taking. Rape. Murder. And that’s just the stuff they would do to each other. Now, all of those things are fine and good, that’s kind of how we roll, but I wasn’t getting my fair share of kickbacks. So I decided to write a manual detailing how the brothers were supposed to comport themselves in the field. Well, apparently those gibrones in Lashkar-e-Taiba missed the part where it said ‘don’t shoot little girls in the face.’ I don’t suppose that’s surprising, though, given most of our fighters are illiterate. Anyway, they go off and shoot that kid Sha-na-na or whatever her name was. In the face. Like, three times. The worst part about it was, she lived. Had she died she would have just been another poor brown girl killed in a far-off country most Americans couldn’t even find on a map, another victim of a conflict that most Americans are only vaguely aware of. But since she lived, she’s written a book and been nominated for a Nobel prize. Now everyone suddenly wants to give a shit.”
“So, I had to put out a whole other manual on how to correctly murder children who are standing around minding their own business. It had to be mostly pictures, though, since like I said, our guys can’t really read. Let me tell you how much of a pain in the ass that is.” Mullah Omar said that while winning the war in Afghanistan is important, it’s sexual harassment that has him up at night pulling his beard and counting his prayer beads.
“The latest bribe that the US government gave to Pakistan to prop up their perpetually-failing government and ensure open resupply routes for forces in Afghanistan came with strings attached. Some senator or other inserted language that specified that anyone receiving any of that latest tranche of $1.6 billion dollars from the US had to develop a plan to combat sexual harassment issues. Now, US money that we get from Pakistan is a substantial portion of our operating budget. In fact, we can’t do operations in Afghanistan against US personnel and/or interests without US taxpayer support. So we had to figure out how we could meet these new requirements.”
While resentful that US funding now carries restrictions, Mullah Omar admitted that this requirement gave him top cover to implement changes that have been long in coming. “During our post-jihad exit interviews and command climate surveys, the number one problem is ‘I feel sexually harassed at work’ or ‘I feel like you permit a hostile work environment.’ It’s a cultural problem. We get a lot of foreign fighters these days, and they don’t really understand how things work here. Pashtunwali requires us to show total hospitality to visitors and guests. This specifically includes having them regularly participate, willingly or otherwise, in what many outsiders coarsely refer to as ‘Man-Love Thursdays.’ Most foreigners simply don’t understand what an honor it is to receive the love of a Pashtun man.”
Mullah Omar conceded that his decision to publish sexual harassment guidance was based on the example set by the Americans. “The Americans and their acronyms… first it was EO, then it was COO, now it’s SHARP. We have an acronym too: DWISOICOYFH. It’s an old Dari word which, roughly translated, stands for, ‘do what I say or I’ll cut off your fucking head.’ It’s not as sexy-sounding as the American acronym SHARP, but I bet it’s more effective.”
In order to combat the endemic sexual harassment within the Taliban ranks, one of the provisions of DWISOICOYFH sure to prove controversial and likely to be ignored by the majority of his fighters is the outright ban of 72 sexually-specific words, acts, and gestures. To head off potential criticism from his political opposition inside the Taliban, Mullah Omar released this public statement: “Let me be clear: if you like your homosexual jihadi sex partner, you may keep your homosexual jihadi sex partner. My new plan doesn’t change that. But listen, sexual harassment is never OK, even on Thursdays,” he admonished. Mullah Omar brushed off questions about the proscription against homosexuality in the Koran. “This is different,” he explained. “There is an ancient Pashtun saying: ‘what happens on jihad, stays on jihad.’ It’s an Afghanistan thing, you wouldn’t understand.”
Another controversial method is the use of Computer Based Validation to ensure that training actually took place. “What, the jihadis at higher don’t trust us?” groused one high-ranking commander who wished to remain anonymous. “This is ridiculous. First off, this training isn’t necessary. Yes, we have issues with man-buggary in the ranks. But it’s no more prevalent here than it is in the civilian population. Second, many of us don’t have internet access, and even if we did, we’d use those Roshan minutes for more important things, like downloading Western porn, just like our martyred brother Osama. Third, we have jobs and don’t have time for this. I have a Green Beans at Bagram to run, and there is always a rush on chai lattes before Salsa Nite. Then when my shift is over, I have to get set up to mortar the base. When the hell am I supposed to take their stupid training?”
Some of the older Taliban fighters aren’t taking the new guidance lying down. “Back when we were taking American money to fight the Russians, swatting some Gulf state war tourist on the ass when he was here in the ‘Stan to get his jihad on for spring break in between semesters at Columbia University used to be OK. But now that we’re using American money to fight the Americans, we’re getting all politically correct. Saying ‘good game’ afterwards doesn’t make it OK anymore either,” he complained.
But there is one bright spot out there for the randy young Taliban fighter: the Taliban twist on SHARP is that it only applies to man-on-man contact. “The Americans want us to stop sexual harassment. But they didn’t say against whom. So we interpreted their guidance the way we wanted,” explained Pakistan intelligence officer and Taliban senior advisor Ziazullah Mohammed. Nor was he the only one to spot loopholes in Mullah Omar’s new guidance.
“Allah gives us special dispensation to do whatever we want with our wives. Or to someone you want to be your wife. Or, let’s be honest, to pretty much any woman we want,” explained Taliban spiritual advisor Mulawi Fugawi. “It’s that whole “tilth” thing from the Koran. Too bad our guys just really don’t like women at all. Maybe if they did, they wouldn’t have to blow themselves up to go to heaven and finally get laid. Well… at least there’s no fatwa against loving livestock.”
This has been a Hit the Woodline SATIRE piece and should not be regarded as truthful. No reference of any individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or harm.