(Washington, D.C.) Emboldened by lack of meaningful Western responses to similar incursions into Ukraine and the Republic of Georgia, Russian “President” Vladimir Putin today announced plans to occupy and annex the US state of Alaska.
Putin took time off from his normal morning routine of intimidating neighboring countries and bare knuckle cage fighting with wild Siberian grizzly bears to talk to reporters and explain the rationale behind this latest move. “As happened in both Ukraine and Georgia, ethnic Russians are under threat inside of the breakaway region of Alaska,” Putin stated. “As the duly self-appointed president-for-life of the Russian people, I have to do what’s best for Russians everywhere, and that includes Russians inside the US.”
Putin acknowledged that this latest land-grab was likely to be controversial. “Look, I know the Americans will be pissed, but what can I say? This is what the Russian people want, and everyone knows the Americans aren’t going to do anything about it. Look, I’m no monster; we’re not just going to ‘take’ Alaska, we Russians are and always have been civilized and peaceful people. We’ll pay the Americans precisely what they paid for Alaska when they extorted it from us back in 1867 for the ridiculous price of only 7.2 million dollars. I think that’s totally fair. We won’t even charge them interest.”
Putin went on to give the historical context for justifying annexation. “This is simply a return to the status quo, a righting of the international wrong that was done to Russia when we were stripped of our Alaskan province. Alaska was, and will be again, sovereign Russian territory. This will be a completely peaceful transition,” Putin claimed, “We’re only sending our army over to ease the transition back to Russian control and to protect the ethnic Russians that might get caught in the crossfire.”
When asked exactly how many ethnic Russians were actually in Alaska, Putin responded, “Um… maybe like four total, pretty much the same as were in Georgia and Ukraine. But that is beside the point! So long as there is one Russian anywhere who needs my help, and as long as the rest of the world isn’t going to do anything about it, I will continue to occupy… er, I mean liberate whatever lands I choose and make them safe for all Russians!”
Satellite imagery from the National Reconnaissance Office (NRO) shows the Russian troop build up a mere fifty miles away from American soil.
“Aren’t Americans all about things like ‘rights’ and ‘self-determination?’” Putin asked rhetorically. “Look, it’s not just me, the people of Alaska have spoken, and tens of thousands of people have signed a petition to return Alaska to the loving arms of Mother Russia. Check it out yourself if you don’t believe me.” Putin then abruptly terminated the interview to go on his daily 5 kilometer open-ocean swim. Before shedding his shirt and diving headfirst into the frigid Baltic he exclaimed, “Under Putin, you don’t have to join Russia, Russia joins YOU! YOLO, bitches!”
As it turns out, there is in fact a White House petition suggesting the return of Alaska to Russia. At press time, this petition had in fact garnered 41,603 signatures. Closer investigation revealed that 41,575 of them originated from anonymous sites inside Russia, and the remainder came from computers traced to Russia’s UN delegation in New York City. While the petition itself appeared legit, its verbiage was strange, almost as if it were written by someone for whom English was not his or her first language. An excerpt of it is below:
First visited Alaska August 21, 1732, members of the team boat “St. Gabriel »under the surveyor Gvozdev and assistant navigator I. Fedorov during the expedition Shestakov and DI Pavlutski 1729-1735 years
As America scrambled for allies in the UN in the wake of Putin’s announcement, they found themselves alone in the face of resurgent Russian power. Only neighbor Canada, nervous about the possibility of having Russia suddenly next door in Alaska, sided with the US in a UN vote condemning Russia’s intentions. And that support only lasted until Russia’s ambassador to the UN, Vitaly Chirkin, casually observed “I hear there might be some Russians inside Canada, too.”
The Obama Administration is not taking this latest Russian provocation without a fight, however. John Kerry, the US’s completely credible and incredibly knowledgeable Secretary of State, famous for his bold and brilliant handling of the Ukraine situation, was the first to rush to counter Putin’s move, doing so in a typically Kerry fashion. “I tried to explain to President Putin that ‘This isn’t Rocky IV’ when he invaded and annexed part of Ukraine and we stood by doing nothing,” Kerry stated in a press release. “I know most Americans didn’t understand that analogy, because the Americans actually won in Rocky IV and we ended up with the Russian people on our side, and that didn’t seem to be really applicable to the situation in Ukraine. But most Americans don’t get nuances anyway, so whatever.”
Holding up a copy of the Alaskan succession document Kerry said, “I mean, look at this Alaska petition, it reads like Boris and Natasha wrote it,” referring to the children’s cartoon Rocky and Bullwinkle. “I tried to tell President Putin, this isn’t ‘Moose and Squirrel,’” Kerry added, still reaching for oversimplified and unrelated entertainment analogies to explain complex international relations problems, because he really is that stupid.
Satellite imagery confirms a massive Russian troop buildup on the western side of the Bering Sea. Alaskans are being advised to evacuate the area, but most residents are staying put. “This is like a prepper’s wet dream,” said Brett Notscared, a longtime Alaska resident and US Army veteran. “Let those Russkies come; we’ll go all Red Dawn on their asses.” When asked what the rest of America could do to help, Notscared responded with one simple request: “Send lawyers, guns, and money, and please, for God’s sake, someone make Kerry STFU.”
EDITORS NOTE: At the time of this article, calls for militia to reinforce the Alaskan border are going unanswered, as all available assets are currently in Nevada.