Savannah, Georgia – Early reports are coming in that the militant group Islamic State of Iraq and Syria – otherwise known as ISIS, was single handedly defeated by one man last night. Command Sergeant Major Rick Merritt, otherwise known as Sarn’t Major or the Jedi of Mayhem, landed in Iraq last night after catching dinner in Savannah and proceeded to defeat the violent militants with nothing more than the M9 pistol he drew from a 1/75 arms room, and a P-38 can opener – all while bear foot and in nothing but Ranger panties. Casualty estimates are still coming in, but at the time of this report going to press 1,238 militants were reported as killed in action, and one wounded in action – allegedly he was allowed to live so that he could “go warn his shitbag friends.”
An Al Jazeera reporter who was on the ground and witnessed the action, said, “All we saw was a figure plummeting from the sky, and after a sonic boom shook our vehicle, we saw nothing but a whirl wind of violence executed at lightning speed. Blood… there was so much blood… The militants never had a chance.” The implications of this one mans actions have reverberated through the halls of D.C., with sources saying that the President himself is demanding answers as to who this Merritt guy is, and is he similarly talented in the field of health care web design.
Family and friends were very concerned after hearing about the scope of the mission that CSM Merritt undertook by himself, but were pleased to find him back on Hunter Army Airfield in time for formation, sans shoes and prepared for PT. One 1/75 squad leader was quoted as saying, “During formation, he told us to get down if we didn’t kill anyone with a can opener last night… after realizing that the only people in formation who killed anyone last night hadn’t used a can opener, we were all on the ground pushing.”
What is next on the schedule for the Jedi of Mayhem, the Pope of Destruction? According to our sources, he is planning on cleaning his weapon as per the Ranger standard following any combat mission, rehydrating with tabasco sauce, and then “Drinking that soft foot, Jim Mattis, under the table over at Kevin Barry’s.” One thing is for certain; he still sets a very high standard for those around him, and continues to live the Creed day in and day out.