In an astounding development, Malaysian Airlines Flight 347, long thought to have been mysteriously lost over the vast Pacific Ocean, was finally found today in the contested airspace over eastern Ukraine. Euphoria erupted worldwide as MH347, escorted by two US Air Force fighters, began its long journey home. The airliner reportedly executed a celebratory barrel roll and then unwittingly strayed in the general direction of Russian airspace.
And then it was shot down by The Russians.
Details are sketchy at the moment, but grainy photos of a shirtless Russian President Vladimir Putin actually riding the missile rodeo-style as it streaked upwards towards the doomed airliner seemed to confirm initial reporting. Official Russian news outlet Pravda released a statement that Putin was unscathed in the ensuing explosion and spent the rest of afternoon engaged in his favorite activities: taking other peoples’ stuff, breaking other peoples’ things, killing other peoples’ people, and generally treating the President of the United States as his personal bitch.
“We are The Russians after all.”
“Sorry, we thought it was an American or EU flight with 270 people aboard we were targeting with air-to-air missles,” said a not-really-sorry Putin during a recent press conference. “If we would have known that it was the lost Malaysian airliner we would have… well, we would have still shot it down but we would have done it nicer. Or something. Or maybe not… we are The Russians after all.”
In related news, all Air France flights were immediately grounded and the pilots surrendered to the Russian airline corporation Aeroflot in order to make sure they weren’t targeted next. The rest of Europe is reportedly on the verge of following suit. US Secretary of State John Kerry, fresh from failures in Ukraine, Asia, and the Middle East, is reportedly en route to Russia to personally deliver a sternly-worded letter directly to Putin. Maybe this time he won’t get laughed out of Moscow.