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France Surrenders to Russia

Paris, France (March 3rd, 2014) – With international tensions at a near breaking point from the Russian invasion of Ukraine over the weekend, the potential for continued violence has proven to be too much for some nations. Early reports are flowing out of Europe that President Francois Hollande has tendered Frances surrender to Russian President Vladimir Putin in a surprise Monday morning power play. The move has sent tidal waves through the international diplomatic community, with many concerned that it will prove to only embolden the aggressive Russian war machine.

President Hollande is not scheduled to hold a press conference on the issue until later this evening, but the French press is alive and thriving off of insider leaks from the French administration. The alleged justification for the surrender is that the Russian military was becoming “too close for comfort” for the French military, despite the fact that France is well outside the former Soviet ‘Eastern Bloc’ and likely will not be a target whatsoever. One top French General was quoted as saying, “Rather than suffer an embarrassing hypothetical defeat on a possible battlefield, we pre-empted the unlikely conflict with surrender – it was the only logical solution to the potential problem.”

The surrender comes as the latest in a long history of the nation waving the proverbial white flag. Most notably, the French surrendered to Nazi Germany in June of 1940 as the world was snowballing into a state of global war. Now, with the world on track for what many are hailing as the beginning of World War Three, it seems only natural the French would bow out early and assume their familiar state of being occupied by a hostile foreign force. We reached American Secretary of State John Kerry for his comments on how the surrender would affect the United States’ strategy for dealing with the Russian aggression. He replied with a simple, yet not surprising statement, “Wait… what? The Russians invaded who? I’m sorry I didn’t catch the news yesterday, I was caught up in the Oscar red carpet action!”

The foreign press reported that Vladimir Putin commented on the surrender while performing his morning ritual of wrestling a grizzly bear, “France is not part of Russia. They are merely new vacation spot, we have no need for country full of coward wine drinkers, true Russians drink vodka!” The media will certainly be keeping an eye on the developing situation, as well as the response from the White House, which is expected later today. Press Secretary Jay Carney has told the media to expect a swift response from the President in light of the recent events, saying “The Department of Justice will be prosecuting the producer of the inflammatory Miley Cyrus YouTube video that caused all of this, as well as delivering an apology on behalf of the United States to all involved. We are hoping that the apology will cause all of this to kind of die down and go away so we can focus on the real issues of gun violence and the Affordable Healthcare Act”

 

This has been a Hit the Woodline SATIRE piece and should not be regarded as truthful. No reference of any individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or harm.

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