China announced today that all Beijing residents will immediately make plans to stay inside for at least the next six months and not go outside unless completely unavoidable.
Chinese officials last week issued a Red Alert, which is the highest possible, according to the state-run Xinhua news agency says, then this week issued a Double Red Alert, followed by a Triple X Red Dragon Alert, which Chinese authorities hope will finally convey the seriousness of the situation and that people will stop venturing outside to take pictures and selfies in the airborne toxic sludge.
Schools in Beijing have been closed and outdoor construction was ordered stopped when smog levels rose to dangerous levels and tractor tires were found to be melting.
Cars are restricted, those with odd and even number plates now must take to the roads on alternate days. Uber is advising its drivers to upgrade their vehicles with air filtration systems and with very dark window tints.
Even dogs and cats have been seen about the city wearing masks. “Their meat is not safe for consumption when smog levels are this high,” said Ling Chau, owner of the Hidden Leaping Duck restaurant, known for its canine and feline delicacies.
Mike Baker, new Beijing resident, when asked for comment, said, “What the fuck am I doing here?”
Chinese officials have also been notifying construction companies, both domestic and foreign, that henceforth all buildings will be built below-ground. Chinese scientists are said to already be working on ground-breaking research on plants that can grow without sunlight.
Alibaba, China’s leading e-commerce company, and one of the top retailers in the world, has begun marketing a line of fashionable bio suits and masks, complete with self-contained, battery operated, oxygen tanks and filters, with organic speakers and digital displays, for surround-sound music and gaming enjoyment, ideal for sealing yourself from what is going on around you.
China is the world’s largest polluter and has long claimed that it could not afford the counter-pollution measures suggested by other countries and environmental groups. Said Li Keqiang, premiere of the Chinese State Council, “We got this.”