Fantigue Epidemic Ransacking SOFREP Ranks
December 8, 2015
Merkel Announces 4th Reich
December 10, 2015

Beijing Pollution Forcing People Underground

China announced today that all Beijing residents will immediately make plans to stay inside for at least the next six months and not go outside unless completely unavoidable.

Chinese officials last week issued a Red Alert, which is the highest possible, according to the state-run Xinhua news agency says, then this week issued a Double Red Alert, followed by a Triple X Red Dragon Alert, which Chinese authorities hope will finally convey the seriousness of the situation and that people will stop venturing outside to take pictures and selfies in the airborne toxic sludge.

Schools in Beijing have been closed and outdoor construction was ordered stopped when smog levels rose to dangerous levels and tractor tires were found to be melting.

Cars are restricted, those with odd and even number plates now must take to the roads on alternate days. Uber is advising its drivers to upgrade their vehicles with air filtration systems and with very dark window tints.

Even dogs and cats have been seen about the city wearing masks. “Their meat is not safe for consumption when smog levels are this high,” said Ling Chau, owner of the Hidden Leaping Duck restaurant, known for its canine and feline delicacies.

Mike Baker, new Beijing resident, when asked for comment, said, “What the fuck am I doing here?”

Chinese officials have also been notifying construction companies, both domestic and foreign, that henceforth all buildings will be built below-ground. Chinese scientists are said to already be working on ground-breaking research on plants that can grow without sunlight.

Alibaba, China’s leading e-commerce company, and one of the top retailers in the world, has begun marketing a line of fashionable bio suits and masks, complete with self-contained, battery operated, oxygen tanks and filters, with organic speakers and digital displays, for surround-sound music and gaming enjoyment, ideal for sealing yourself from what is going on around you.

China is the world’s largest polluter and has long claimed that it could not afford the counter-pollution measures suggested by other countries and environmental groups. Said Li Keqiang, premiere of the Chinese State Council, “We got this.”

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • disqus_mrspaul

    Since landing in Beijing 6 weeks ago, I have been working 36-hour days, 8 days per week. Signing a contract for an American based Healthcare Staffing Company, to provide Respiratory Therapy in China is all well and good, until one reads the fine print. How in the fuck am I supposed to know that those cute little Chinese symbols were saying that I am now agreeing to employment standards set by China, not the United States???

    Respiratory Therapy skills, in part, are used to treat breathing difficulties brought on by asthma, COPD, pneumonia, heart failure, and emphysema. This pollution over China has made the air quality such, that Everyone is having breathing problems. We also manage patient’s on Life support, or ventilators. These machines blow air into the lungs, breathing for the patient. These idiots over here do not know how to communicate because they keep asking me to ‘blow’ their patient’s. I am getting sick of it!!!

    I can’t wait to go home to America!!! The Land of The Free and the 24-hour day, and 7 day week. And Labor Laws!!! No more sore knees!!! God Bless America!!!

    • Jim

      I love you mrspaul……don’t tell Duke. He’ll bite me.

      • disqus_mrspaul

        Love you right back!!! And you’re right about Duke…he’s pretty territorial, especially if you try to take his toys!!!

        • Jim

          I have a new friend named Sweet Potato that showed up on my back deck at Thanksgiving. I’m allergic to cats. When the weather got frosty she wormed her way into my house. Vet says she’s about 8 weeks. I’m such a pushover….

          • disqus_mrspaul

            Oh, she’s pretty!!! Now, I really love you!!! It’s been raining non-stop here for several days, in fact the valley now looks like a huge lake with all the flooding. Happens every year. The other day, the deer were in our back yard and looked so cold and wet. My husband wanted to let them into the garage so they could get out of the weather. I laughed and offered to make them Chicken Noodle Soup. He’s such a softie about animals…one of the things I love about him. BTW, we have heavy amts. of Fir trees on the edge of the yard, where the deer bed down, and stay out of the direct rain.

          • TexJ3

            It’s special when an animal adopts you. Of course, our home seems overrun with critters at times, but it spices up life. ( Fortunately, my husband loves animals as well.) Your cat is beautiful 🙂

          • Jim

            Thanks. She’s one of 3. All are rescues.

          • disqus_mrspaul

            Duke is a rescue from when we lived in Portland. But if truth be told, he rescued us!!!

The Force12 Media Network