THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Bowing to intense public pressure from hashtag campaigns all over the world, Al Qaeda-affiliated terrorist group Boko Haram disbanded this morning, surrendering its ideology, its leaders, and its heavy weapons, and releasing hundreds of women and girls it kidnapped during its long-running insurgency in northern Nigeria.
In an exclusive interview from his jail cell in the International Criminal Court in The Hague, former Boko Haram frontman Abubakar Shekau explained the rationale behind his sudden about-face.
Here it is, the hashtag that won the war.
“The #bringbackourgirls program was what finally did us in. Not political pressure from mainstream Muslim groups, not military action from the Nigerian army, not the US State Department finally overcoming Hillary Clinton’s inexplicable decision to not designate us a terrorist organization when she had a chance, not the international community cutting off our financial streams, it was just this program. One hashtag is all it took.”
“What really got me though was that tweet from (US First Lady) Michelle Obama. I mean, what could anyone done in the face of such fierce opposition? Those sorrowful eyes… that handwritten card… I mean, she could have just walked down the hallway to the Oval Office and ordered her husband, the President of the United States, to send in the Marines or whatever, but instead, she took the time to hand-write a hashtag on a piece of paper. It was a huge slam on us, and we were truly moved, Allah be praised.”
Feckless US Secretary of State John Kerry said that the success of hashtag programs is nothing new for the State Department. “The #unitedforukraine campaign was so successful, it stopped Vladimir Putin’s massive Russian army dead in its tracks… immediately after it annexed all of Ukraine that it wanted. So we fully expected #bringbackourgirls to be equally effective. We should have cracked the code on this years ago, at this rate we won’t even need a military in two or three years. Soft power really has won out.”
Confronted with unrelenting #hashtivism, Boko Haram crumbled. Here, they beg on their knees for forgiveness
In a subsequent interview, Abubakar seemed to have a moment of lucidity. “Wait a minute, I don’t even HAVE Twitter, why in the hell would I ever give a shit about what a bunch of foreigner infidels think about a group of terrorists none of them have heard of, in a country they can’t even find on a map?” he asked rhetorically. “ESPECIALLY foreign infidel women. If I want to hear a shrill over-reaction from a woman, I’ll just go to the nearest Christian village and kidnap a bunch of them at will. Hashtag campaigns mean nothing to me, all I understand is violence and bloodshed… look, I’ve got your ‘hashtag’ right here, hanging.”
Abubakar paused from his trademark ranting to reflect on the changes he experienced in the last couple of days, and how he came to be imprisoned in The Hague. “It’s all coming back to me now… there was an explosion… a bunch of explosions… and then gunfire… and then more explosions… and then all my guys are dead and I’m on the back of a black helicopter with a bag over my head. I got the shit interrogated out of me on some boat in the Mediterranean and 72 hours later I wake up here in The Hague. I guess that hashtag stuff is pretty much #useless and that #directaction is still the only way to solve some of the world’s problems. At least there are still some people in the world with the balls to carry those missions out. #JSOC.”