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President Apologizes for Independence Day

Washington, D.C. – In a surprise move, the President held a late night press conference at the White House last night with a surprising announcement. On the evening of the nations 238th birthday, the President issued a formal apology to the United Kingdom for revolting and instigating hostilities over two centuries ago.

The President remarked, “Our nation has done a lot of good in the world, but it has also done a lot of wrong. We must begin to amend those wrongs. When our forefathers used pre-emptive military action against the Crown, it set a dangerous precedent that we are still trying to overcome today. To the Queen, to the Prime Minister, and the citizens of the U.K., on behalf of the United States of America… We are truly sorry for revolting, and costing the lives of thousands.”

The President did not stay afterwards for questions, but surely there are many to be answered. Why now? Why apologize to a now strong ally of ours? At this stage, none of it really makes sense. Some in the press corps believe that it is yet another attempt to distract from serious issues, and others believe that the President is trying to make his mark on a presidency that has been nothing short of rocky.

The response from London? The Queen released a statement earlier this morning, which read, “It is the position of the United Kingdom to respond to the President of the United States’ apology as such: It’s all good, bro – that shit was like 300 years ago!”

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