The U.S. Government made the following announcements today that are in preparation of New Year’s Eve 2016. All the preparations, listed below, have roots in tradition and many in superstition. But, said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest, “We just want to cover all our bases.”
Kissing at midnight
Under the advice of the United States Surgeon General Vice Admiral Vivek H. MurthyBetty White, M.D., at midnight tonight, New Year’s Eve, all federal employees are ordered to kiss someone, anyone, but not everyone.
Said Vivek, “Kissing releases large amounts of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that produces pleasure in the brain, and endorphins, the endogenous opioid neuropeptides which produce intimate emotions and affection, into the blood and the brain, which makes people happier and more cooperative. “And Americans definitely need to be happier and more cooperative,” said Vivek.
Admiral Vivek has arranged to have specially trained teams of Secret Service agents show up at the houses of every U.S. senator and congressman, to ensure that they all get at least a kiss. Specially trained sex therapists will accompany each team in case any Republican congressmen need any guidance on taking it further.
“Makes sense to me,” said Actress Betty White, when asked for comment. “The only times I ever really worked well with anyone was when I was having sex with them.”
The Department of Defense announced this week that it has been stocking up on all munitions, everything from small arms ammunition to missiles and drones. “We did this in the spirit of the New Year,” said Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. Mark A. Milley. “We take New Years celebrations very seriously around here.”
Paying Off Bills
Congress announced yesterday that it was paying off the U.S. national debt, which is approaching $19 trillion. Paul Ryan, Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, then this morning, at an emergency news conference, said that payment was not actually happening and that, “I always get New Year’s and April Fools mixed up. My bad.”
The IRS, DoD and DoT have all been ordered to report to their places of work New Year’s Day by 6:00AM/0600hrs, to honor the tradition of working on the first day of the year to ensure success and prosperity.
Said John Koskinen, IRS Commissioner, “This is a busy time of the year for us anyways, so this is no big deal. Besides, all my people love their work and leave work to go home only because they have no choice.”
Said Gen. Milley, “If I have any Army left on Monday morning it’ll be a fucking miracle.”
To adhere to the tradition of wearing something new on January 1st, and to increase the likelihood of receiving more new garments during the year to follow, the U.S. Army has ordered a new uniform that is said to be a combination of Multicams, ACUs and distressed denim. Rumors within the Pentagon are that the new uniforms “look Marvelous.”
The U.S. Marine Corps also is issuing new uniforms, which are rumored to be influenced by the HALO and Call Of duty: Black Ops video games, and the Navy is coming out with new uniforms that still make them all look like the Village People. “We just can’t seem to get away from that,” said Admiral John M. Richardson, Chief of Naval Operations.
The Department of the Interior also announced this week that it too is coming out with new uniforms for park rangers which will make them look like storm troopers. “We are told it will make us more popular with the kids,” said Sue Masica, NPS Regional Director of the Intermountain Region. “But, I have to tell you, most of my people are not happy. Most of the blasters only come in 9mm. To be honest, most of my people were hoping to adopt the uniforms of Army Rangers, especially my former Ranger rangers.”
To follow the tradition of not lending money on New Year’s Day, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will cease operation on New Year’s Day and the following business week. “We feel this tradition is very important,” said Tim Mayopoulos, FNMA CEO. “Besides, ramping back up will take the better part of a month and we really need to cool our heels.”
Letting the Old Year Out
All federal employees have been ordered to open all windows and doors in all federal buildings and facilities to allow the old year to flee, which we all know it is eager to do, just as we are eager to see it go. All doors and windows are to be kept open for ten minutes, since outgoing years sometimes get a bit disoriented and need some time to find the exit. Employees who have complained about the cold have been told to wear a sweater.
To scare off evil spirits, and even the devil himself, all combat arms U.S. military units have been ordered to the field and ranges on New Year’s Eve with orders to “Make as much noise as possible.” Said Major General Wayne W. Grigsby, Jr.,
Commanding General, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Riley, Kansas. “ We’re making a party out of it by expending all the ordinance that we have. All of it. It’s going to be a great show. Afterward, Raytheon is springing for booze, bands and BBQ for the entire division, and a bunch of K State students are coming over. My people are really looking forward to it.”
To ensure fair weather on New Year’s Day, the National Weather Service will be broadcasting pre-recorded reports and TV shows that show only winds blowing in from the south, which traditionally foretells of prosperous times in the year ahead. “We are happy to do our part,” said Louis Uccellini, NWS Director. “I’ve always hated reporting bad weather on New Year’s. And we will just archive the real weather and report it later. So, no foul.”
Happy New Year from all the editors at Hit The Woodline.