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New Law Unleashes New Freedom Foods

Congress just passed a bill making falafel illegal in the US. It can now only by sold and consumed under more Anglicized names. Bill H.R. 3596 was signed into law last week by President Obama, who was cheered by an enthusiastic crowd of patriotic gastronomists, gluttons and gourmands.

According to the Congressional Legislative Information Office, the following English words of Arabic origin will now be changed: Admiral will now be Ocean General. Alcohol will now be Freedom Hooch. Coffee will now be Freedom Java. Hummus will be called Freedom Paste. Lemons will be called Yellow Citrus Balls. Magazines will be known as paper web sites. Oranges will be known as Freedom Fruit. Sofas will be known as Freedom Benches. Tunas will be known as Freedom Fishes.

Bill Tiddlewiffer, Director of the Congressional Food Oversight Committee, said, in response to the new law, that “The American people need to know that we are ever vigilant and ready to defend them and their favorite foods in the most fundamental way possible, in how those foods are named.”

Tiddlewiffer also asked that we at Hit The Woodline remind our readers that Freedom Fries are back to being called French Fries, have been for a while, and to please make the appropriate changes to your menus and family lexicons. The French have redeemed themselves militarily recently, and thus, also, linguistically. So, “Freedom Fries” are out. For now. But don’t throw away your menus with “Freedom Fries.” You never know how things are going to go with the French.

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