Washington, D.C. (May 2nd, 2014) – White House Press Secretary Jay Carney finally cracked under the pressure of renewed criticism aimed at the administrations handling of the Benghazi debacle today. Reporters tasted blood in the water, after previously un-released e-mails surfaced that have caused the House of Representatives to subpoena Secretary of State John Kerry and call for a special investigation, among other inevitably ineffective and useless courses of action.
After a Fox News correspondent asked how he planned to sugar coat the damning correspondence, Carney replied, “That’s it! Fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool (pointing at the MSNBC correspondent), fuck you, I’m out!” The surprise flurry of expletives were quickly followed by him and his staffers stomping out of the room – hipster glasses in tow. It wasn’t five minutes later that he came back out to quickly announce his resignation in order to “spend more time at home with family.”
Numerous high-ranking members of the administration have already publicly apologized for the embarrassing press conference in an attempt to contain the PR disaster. John Kerry said, “To be fair, I was against Carney before I was for him.” The rhetoric continued, with key lawmakers on both sides of the aisle lamenting that the incident was distracting them from the important task of preparing for the upcoming mid-term elections. Republican John Boehner weighed in on the distraction; “The administration has once again prevented us from doing our job. I am calling for an immediate recess, after we pass a resolution to authorize funds for all congressmen to take a tax payer funded vacation… to clear their minds of course.”
The only question that remains is whether Jay Carney will be able to find a new job come Monday morning. Inside sources are saying that it is unlikely he will have trouble, citing the fact that, “Rolling Stones hasn’t even ran a story on this, so he has nothing to worry about.” In true government fashion, he will likely be given a promotion. Rumors are already starting to spread that the IRS’s newly established Director of Political Affairs position would be the perfect fit for Carney.