Dillon, Texas – Coming right on the heels of Donald Trump announcing his candidacy for President, Mr. Jade Helm has officially announced his bid to be the next President of the United States. The announcement was made amid protests at a west Texas town hall meeting today. We here at Hit the Woodline would like to offer our official endorsement of this candidate.
During his infamous farewell address, Eisenhower warned the American people of an eminent and internal threat: a ‘scientific elite.’ The title, Scientific Elite, to most Americans might seem like nothing more than ordinary intangible rhetoric typically thrown around by politicians during their speeches. However, Eisenhower was not using abstractions in that case.
Times have changed, and we live in a progressive America. This is why we need a new leader, one who will take a stand and fix things.
We support Jade Helm for president. He stands firm against terrorists and doesn’t tolerate threats against National Security. Mr. Helm has a comprehensive plan to address the income gap, the racial divide, and even gender inequality. He plans to get the people together and ensure unity by putting them in camps.
In these camps, people will work together without any separation, on equal footing. No longer will African Americans feel discriminated against in the work force. No longer will illegal immigrants struggle to integrate into American culture. Blacks, Hispanics, Whites… everyone will work together trying not to starve to death.
Mr. Helm is a huge supporter of the Military, in fact he plans to expand the size of our domestic bases and create jobs in specialized fields such as:
Relocation Specialist – Learn how to manage large portions of uncooperative civilians and organize transportation to assist them in their transition into the newly established “Freedom Zones”.
Mobile Data Image and Culture Analyst – Learn an exciting new field analyzing SnapChat pictures, Dick Pics, and Selfies. You will help Regional Dictators make decisions for the new breeding program called “America’s Finest”.
Common Core Educational Integrator – Have you always wanted to be a Teacher? Well now you can. This program makes it very easy as everything you will be teaching, is set in stone and geared to the lowest common denominator.
Population Numerical Strategist – Thanks to highly accurate census counts, extensive data monitoring, and the detailed health information provided by the Affordable Health Care act, you can help shape the future of our great nation. You’ll be reducing waste, eliminating the weak, and motivating people to get in shape.
This are just some of the new jobs that will be created under Jade Helms domestic policies.
Mr. Helm also has plans to address America’s foreign policy. For many decades America has struggled around the globe trying to implement foreign policy plans that seem to continuously back fire.
The United States has a large surplus of Nuclear and Biological weapons that are currently a grave threat to her citizens. This is why Jade Helm plans to use these weapons to resolve the middle east crisis and ensure that no other nation on earth tries to initiate conflict with America. This will usher in a new world order of peace and unity.
Like all politicians, Jade Helm has been the victim of a vicious smear campaign, and so has his running mate, Mr. Martial Law. An anonymous video has surfaced warning civilians about Jade Helm.
Actual quote from video:
“Wake up people. We are short on time to stop this corruption before it does become a runaway train. Expect chaos and mayhem, expect MARTIAL LAW.”
Martial Law has countless years of civil service, and has helped many crime ridden neighborhoods in this country finally feel safe and secure. Even if there are food rations and curfews. You cannot argue with results.
I hope you will join us, and give your vote to Jade Helm and Martial Law. They are coming to save America… by force.
This article is sponsored by the people who are standing behind me with a gun to my head.