Washington, D.C. (April 14th, 2014) – Last week, embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebilius resigned from her position as the chief administration of the struggling Obamacare™ national health care system and was tapped by President Obama to take over as Secretary of Veterans Affairs from outgoing VA Secretary Eric Shinseki. Shinseki, a retired Army general, resigned from the VA after news broke that his alma mater, the United States Military Academy at West Point, announced that they would no longer force its cadets, staff, and faculty to continue to wear the much-hated black beret, which was a signature implementation of Shinseki’s tenure as the 34th Chief of Staff of the Army. Following West Point’s lead, the rest of the Army consigned the black beret to its rightful place in the rubbish heap of Army uniform history, and this was apparently too much for Shinseki to bear.
“As Obamacare™ is to President Obama’s administration, the black beret was my legacy to the Army,” said Shinseki, who served as Army Chief of Staff from 1999-2003. “And like Obamacare™ was to the nation as a whole, my idea to take the black beret from the elite Army Rangers and give it to the entire Army was a poorly conceived, haphazardly implemented, and fatally flawed plan. With West Point now abandoning the beret, it is clear that the Army and the world has turned its back on me. And when the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world,” he explained in a press conference at which only two reporters attended.
Shinseki: Taking his black beret and going home.
With news of the end of Shinseki’s lingering influence over the Army and the much-anticipated demise of the black beret, impromptu black beret burning ceremonies reportedly occurred at Army bases worldwide. “People thought that the move to the black beret was the most poorly-envisioned uniform change the Army had ever seen… and then they gave us ACUs,” said one longtime Army officer, referring to the Army’s grey-green digitized combat uniform. “Now that someone finally put a stake through the heart of ‘the headgear that wouldn’t die,’ maybe we can move on and fix the uniform pattern that only blends in with gravel pits and your Grandmother’s couch.”
For her part, Kathleen Seilius brushed off concerned that she was neither qualified nor prepared to serve as VA Secretary. “Well, I wasn’t really qualified to run Obamacare™ either,” she explained. “Besides, Obamacare™ and the VA aren’t really that different. For example, I’m used to managing organizations that set unrealistically low expectations and then fail to meet them. When I was running Obamacare™ we managed to convince everyone that enrolling 7 million people out of a country with more than 350 million is somehow a win, even though we only managed to get to even that low number through some dodgy accounting magic. So with that kind of logic, I’m thinking that reducing the VA backlog by about… 1,000 cases should be enough for me to claim victory over the more than 600,000 claims registered with the VA.”
“Don’t get me wrong, we are definitely on the struggle bus over at the VA, what with these massive backlogs of claims and whatever,” Sebelius continued. “But what we saw with Obamacare™ is that if you just keep giving people more time and moving the deadline to the right, that eventually you’ll get the numbers you want. So, as director of the VA, I’ll just give our workers more time to process and settle VA claims. I think you’ll see that if we wait long enough, these problems with all these claims will tend to solve themselves.”