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April 30, 2014

Elizabeth Warren Announces 2016 Presidential Bid

(Washington, D.C.) April 24th, 2014-  Senator Elizabeth Warren (D, MA) announced her candidacy for President in a most unlikely place:  the US Coast Guard Academy.  “Just like people keep saying the Coast Guard isn’t really part of the military, pundits down in Washington keep saying I’m not a real candidate for president,” Senator Warren said in her address.  “Well, let’s prove them all wrong together!”

“I keep hearing members of the military say, ‘Anyone but Hillary in 2016!’   I’m here to tell you, I am that ‘anyone!’” she added to tepid applause from the audience, most of whom were forced to be there as part of their annual diversity training.

Previously known mainly for having lied about her ancestry, Senator Warren has mounted an intriguing campaign, which is sure to garner attention for challenging party favorite and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  Aside from seeming to think that she has a snowball’s chance in hell of defeating Clinton, the most interesting about Senator Warren’s campaign is that everything she says is, or could be, lines from Robert DeNiro movies.

“It’s a bold strategy,” said Fox News analyst Megyn Kelly.  “DeNiro is a great actor, don’t get me wrong, but basing a whole campaign around his acting? Take her campaign platform where she talks about how nobody got rich on his own.  Yeah, that’s pure DeNiro gold right there.  But it’s not a winning conversation to have in our country right now.”

Kelly directed our attention to an Internet meme showing Elizabeth Warren’s comments compared to Robert DeNiro lines.  “Look, even President Obama walked back his ‘you didn’t build that’ comments, yet here is Elizabeth Warren doubling down on it.  I’m not sure that this is going to prove to be a successful strategy in the long run.”

Basing a campaign on lines from one the Hollywood’s best tough-guy actors?  That’s sounds like #winning to us.  We decided to put that theory to the test when we sat down with Senator Warren at HTW’s home office.

HTW:   Senator Warren, thanks for talking with us today.  Let’s start with the elephant in the room:  your past claims to being part Native American.  Previously you described the revelation that you are not, in fact, Native American as “a kick in the gut.”  What do you have to say about critics who continue to point out that you lied about having Native American heritage in order to secure lucrative academic and political positions you might not otherwise have gotten, except for outdated notions of “diversity?” 

EW:  You talkin’ to me?  You talkin’ to ME?  I ain’t no white trash piece of shit. I’m better than you all! I can out-learn you. I can out-read you. I can out-think you. And I can out-philosophize you. And I’m gonna outlast you. You think a couple whacks to my guts is gonna get me down? It’s gonna take a hell of a lot more than that…”

HTW:  Um… OK… well, that escalated quickly.  Let’s try something else:  what is the most memorable event in you political career?

EW:  I remember those cheers. They still ring in my ears. And for years they’ll remain in my thoughts cuz one night I took off my robe and what’d I do I forgot to wear shorts.

HTW:  Oooook, well, here’s hoping that our readers won’t have THAT mental image seared into their brains forever.  What advice would you offer to young women who are seeking to follow in your footsteps?

EW:  Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.  If you don’t co-operate you’re gonna suffer from fistophobia.

HTW:  That seems like pretty strange advice.  But speaking of advice, you served as a personal advisor for President Obama, and he later lifted pretty much all your “nobody got rich on their own” speech while he was on the campaign trail.  What was it like working for the President? 

EW:  That man can’t trust anybody.  The sooner you know that, the better.  How many times do I have to tell you?  People don’t respect him, the FEAR him.  You want to be somebody?  Be somebody who works and takes care of his family.

HTW:  What about accusations from the political right that your efforts to raise the minimum wage and increase federal handouts are “making it rain” for chronic welfare recipients and the habitually unemployed?

EW:  Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets.

HTW:  That’s pretty heartless, don’t you think?

EW:  Look, I grew up in a tough neighborhood, and we used to say, you can get further with a kind word and a gun that you can with just a kind word.

HTW:  Well… good luck in your Presidential bid, thank you for your time.

EW:  Don’t mention it, kid.

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