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SecretMeetings

Hit The Woodline has learned that Democratic Party spies have been infiltrating Republican closed-door donor events and secret strategy meetings by wearing Old Spice, Aqua Velva and other old man after shaves to mask their scents.

Dem spies claim that the infiltrations are highly risky and exposes them to great risk. “They have snarling, scary looking dogs at the doors to get in, always,” said one Old Spice infiltrator who refused to give his name, “but when the dogs sniff that Old Spice they turn into friendly puppies, all wagging tails and licking hands.”

The purpose of these infiltrations has been to capture on video gaffs and contradictions to stated positions made by candidates, and attendees at the events, many of whom prefer not to be known.

“Those Dem spy assholes better not be here. I cannot afford to have my presence here known,” said Ellen Degeneres at a recent secret GOP donor luncheon. “Wait. Is that a camera? Who the fuck are you? How the hell did you get in here? Just dance your way on out of here, mother fucker!”

One Democratic spy, an Air Force SOF veteran, who goes by the codename Red Razor One, said that he got the idea from the movie, Jurassic World, wherein Chris Pratt smears himself with dinosaur feces to mask his scent, and thus doesn’t get eaten.

“I got to tell you,” said another Dem spy, Red Razor Two, as the two were having drinks at The Capitol Grille, trolling for leads, “I would rather smear myself with dino shit than put any more of that Old Spice on my young ass. My grandpa used to wear that shit and I when I have it on me I get urges to pull my pants up and to watch Lawrence Welk reruns. That’s terrifying, dude, let me tell you.”

Enlightening scenes captured on videos by Dem spies have included Marco Rubio doing the nude Hokey Pokey with senior Dutko Grayling executives David Beightol, Mary Kay Hogan and Steve Palmer; Carly Fiorina pole dancing and singing karaoke with Maria Cino, longtime Republican political operative and former official in George W. Bush’s administration; and Jeb Bush and Allen Richardson, a government affairs manager at Koch Companies Public Sector, doing navel shots from the tummies of teenaged cheerleaders.

“It’s all just good, clean fun,” said Tim Miller, Bush Campaign Director of Communications.

“The main problem of doing these infiltrations,” said Red Razor Two, “is that I can’t get laid for a week afterward. That Old Spice and Aqua Velva just doesn’t come off. It’s worse than getting sprayed by a skunk. I understand now why old guys are so angry.”

Hit The Woodline is also conducting covert investigations into secret Democratic meetings.

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • disqus_mrspaul

    Rumor has it that Hillary Clinton was spotted in a wig and sunglasses, wearing that once popular old scent, “Evening In Paris”, while hiding behind a plant in the corner of the room. It seems her husband, Bill, was invited to this event all along, ‘ to drum up support for our initiative.’ But he was sticking like glue to Ellen Degeneres, while Hillary watched. When asked about his interest in Ellen, Bill stated, “Well, she’s a beautiful woman, and she has such terrific dance moves. What’s not to like?”

    • Mother Forker

      You got it, girl.

  • herschel wince

    Do informed folk know if Billy Clinker, hubby of Mrs Billy Clinker Kankel Lady and she the owner of Humid, the Wiener Dog Girl, do the well informed know how Mr Billy walked that mutt?

    • Mother Forker

      You lost me. Who is Humid?

      • herschel wince

        Mrs Forker, sir, that would be Anthony Wiener’s ol’ lady, Huma….

        • Mother Forker

          Ah, right. Gotcha. I know who she is. You’re quite the cryptologist.

          • herschel wince

            Mrs Forkers, sir, is dat de sames as dem surraptitious morsely codes?

          • Mother Forker

            Not any more. The US military doesn’t use IMC, Intl Morse Code, anymore. But crypto means code, the encoding and decoding of messages.

          • herschel wince

            …Gotcha, however I’m in Butha-Buthe, Lesotho, an’ she don’ read lips or habla so good but, I’ve gotta stack of malutis that catches her good eye…do I… 1. keep wavin’ them malutis while guzzlin’ kava-kava an’ amarula chased with konyagi ? or 2. tap out: _.._ _ _ _._ _ _ _ _ .._? that’s 2 cherces ‘vailable, sir, er mam….

  • Jim

    The 70+ year old ladies at the Candle Club are very obliging when I put on the Old Spice and hike up the polyester until they can see the old weasel in their bifocals. They have been known to drop the bridge game and surround me in kind of a Blue Angels diamond formation with their walkers. Next thing you know, we all have an early buffet and they draw straws to see who gives me a little rub in the old man’s 88 Buick……what the hell. Old ladies need a little thrill too. And they love it when I snarl a little and call them cougars!

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