Hit The Woodline has learned that Democratic Party spies have been infiltrating Republican closed-door donor events and secret strategy meetings by wearing Old Spice, Aqua Velva and other old man after shaves to mask their scents.
Dem spies claim that the infiltrations are highly risky and exposes them to great risk. “They have snarling, scary looking dogs at the doors to get in, always,” said one Old Spice infiltrator who refused to give his name, “but when the dogs sniff that Old Spice they turn into friendly puppies, all wagging tails and licking hands.”
The purpose of these infiltrations has been to capture on video gaffs and contradictions to stated positions made by candidates, and attendees at the events, many of whom prefer not to be known.
“Those Dem spy assholes better not be here. I cannot afford to have my presence here known,” said Ellen Degeneres at a recent secret GOP donor luncheon. “Wait. Is that a camera? Who the fuck are you? How the hell did you get in here? Just dance your way on out of here, mother fucker!”
One Democratic spy, an Air Force SOF veteran, who goes by the codename Red Razor One, said that he got the idea from the movie, Jurassic World, wherein Chris Pratt smears himself with dinosaur feces to mask his scent, and thus doesn’t get eaten.
“I got to tell you,” said another Dem spy, Red Razor Two, as the two were having drinks at The Capitol Grille, trolling for leads, “I would rather smear myself with dino shit than put any more of that Old Spice on my young ass. My grandpa used to wear that shit and I when I have it on me I get urges to pull my pants up and to watch Lawrence Welk reruns. That’s terrifying, dude, let me tell you.”
Enlightening scenes captured on videos by Dem spies have included Marco Rubio doing the nude Hokey Pokey with senior Dutko Grayling executives David Beightol, Mary Kay Hogan and Steve Palmer; Carly Fiorina pole dancing and singing karaoke with Maria Cino, longtime Republican political operative and former official in George W. Bush’s administration; and Jeb Bush and Allen Richardson, a government affairs manager at Koch Companies Public Sector, doing navel shots from the tummies of teenaged cheerleaders.
“It’s all just good, clean fun,” said Tim Miller, Bush Campaign Director of Communications.
“The main problem of doing these infiltrations,” said Red Razor Two, “is that I can’t get laid for a week afterward. That Old Spice and Aqua Velva just doesn’t come off. It’s worse than getting sprayed by a skunk. I understand now why old guys are so angry.”
Hit The Woodline is also conducting covert investigations into secret Democratic meetings.