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Death Match Between Rubio and Cruz

The Rubio and Cruz campaigns announced this morning that, finally, after months of speculation, that the two candidates with hold a no-holds barred death match to settle their increasingly raw political rivalry, and see, once and for all, who is the top not-Trump

Before and after the debate last night, comments and curses were exchanged between the two candidates, climaxing in a challenge to the death. Sources say that it started with Cruz crossing the “Your Momma” line, to which Rubio supposedly replied, “It’s time for you and me to dance, Bitch.”

Both are 44-years-old senators and skilled politicians, but with differing views on immigration, surveillance, defense spending, human rights and other front-stage issues.

Analysts say that the best spectacle of the debate was between Cruz and Rubio, of Cruz accusing Obama of ousting Arab dictators who kept a lid on things and Rubio extolling human rights and the power and authority of democracy, sounding more and more like Bush and his “transform-the-Middle-East” philosophy.

It will be fun to watch in the cage which style prevails, Rubio’s smooth confidence or Cruz’s shrill cockiness. Neither candidate is said to have any martial arts training, but analysts are expecting Cruz to exhibit a lot of Tae Kwon Do-like techniques and for Rubio to lean more toward elbows and arm-bars.

Both campaigns are said to be hampered in planning this death match, in terms of where to hold it, whether weapons will be allowed, and if each candidate will be allowed to make a short political statement prior to each round, by lack of communications between the two campaigns. “That just makes everything more interesting,” said Daniel Lippman.

“There is only one way to settle this,” said Kellyanne Conway, who leads Keep The Promise I

“Its a great opportunity to gain in the polls,” said Joe Pounder, top Rubio adviser.

“For the survivor,” said Senator Chuck Schumer.

“We are going to make serious cash,” said Jeff Zucker, CEO of CNN Worldwide.

Rumors are rampant this morning that both campaigns are researching the concept of  selecting champions to step into the cage in place of their candidates and what effects that would have on polling numbers.

Ben Carson’s campaign is rumored to be trying in ernest to get into the match, but is being ignored by death match fight organizers.

When asked for comment, Trump said, “No matter who wins this death match, I’ll be the winner. You watch.”

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • Jim

    TaeKwondo and arm bars are out for those two sissies……I’m thinking a slap-fight at best or a naked mazola bash would be preferable to them…….

    • disqus_mrspaul

      Yes, Jim…whose hair gets messed up the most? Hmm! Maybe Trump Will win after all!!!

  • disqus_mrspaul

    Please don’t let them wear skimpy MMA costumes to carry out this death match. Or, if it’s a requirement that they appear in costume, let it be without the benefit of an athletic cup. That way we can see which one has the greater need for the Neuticles!!!

    • Jim

      I bet Cruz has a stained old pair of grey sweatpants he pulls up tight around his armpits while he watches TV at night. Wife beater t-shirt with a little yellow armpit stain. Picture that. Sweet dreams!!

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