New Law Unleashes New Freedom Foods
December 1, 2015
Ultimate Drone Matches Between Units
December 7, 2015

Congress to Get New Balls

Hit The Woodline has learned that Neuticles, a Missouri company that manufactures and sells testicular prosthetic implants for neutered pets, has rolled out a new line of products designed specifically for the U.S. Congress.

According to the company web site, “Neuticles, often imitated, but never duplicated, allows pets to retain their natural look, self esteem and aids dogs with the trauma associated with being neutered. No dog should be deprived of having a good looking set of testicles.”

According to Neuticles, this new product will be fully functional.

Many in Congress are talking about this new product, and the discount the company is offering to elected officials. Much of the talk is about how to pay for the purchase, with funds from personal accounts or from re-election funds.

“I’m pretty sure that I can write this off,” said Lindsey Graham, senator form South Carolina and currently running for the presidency.

“Finally, we will have some butts and balls in Congressional seats that are ready to do what needs to be done,” said Paul Ryan, newly elected Speaker of the House of Representatives.

Sources vary on what effects these new testicles might have on Congress, in terms of what needs to be done. Some say that would amount to spending less time playing politics and more time governing the country. Some say it means wiping out all enemies of the United States and ensuring that we win and survive the Third World War and the ensuing apocalypse, because we all know it’s coming, so we might as well get ready. Some just hope the testicular enhancements will mean more political shenanigans and entertainment.

Rumors from within the company suggest that another line of Newticle products is being designed specifically for military leadership, as an antidote to the growing “Risk Aversion” epidemic said by some to be running amok in the war-weary Pentagon.

Hit The Woodline has also learned that the Fiorina and Clinton campaigns have filed a class action suit against Neuticles for not providing a female version of their product, that it places them at a significant disadvantage in the coming election year. When asked for comment on the suit, Gloria Steinam said, “I fucking give up.”

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • mrspaul

    Don’t know why HC and Carly are pissed about not getting their own set of Neuticles. These things look just like the shriveled and petrified ovaries that both of these women have. Oh wait!!! Maybe they thought they were brains!!!

  • Jim

    Doesn’t Hillary have her own set in a jar in her kitchen. I heard she finally neutered Bill after the Monica impeachment……

The Force12 Media Network
WilkowMajority.com