(WASHINGTON, DC) – A new study leaked just nine days ago blew the lid of secrecy off of a sinister and shockingly complex plot by senior Obama Administration officials to force the US military out of its popular and highly-regarded health care provider, Tricare, and into the floundering ObamaCare™ system.
First revealed by veteran-themed websites across the Internet and inexplicitly overlooked by the mainstream media until now, the new study was a bombshell of revelations about rampant Obama Administration cynicism and malfeasance towards our men and women in uniform.
Free health care is a primary benefit for US service members, and was long considered an untouchable sacred cow in the ongoing Defense budget debate. No longer. The new study made it crystal clear that not only will service members lost Tricare, they will have to pay full price for ObamaCare™.
“Let’s be honest, ObamaCare™ is essentially a health care pyramid scheme,” the undated, unsigned documents state. “In order to get enough people at the lower level to prop up the entire system, we need a constant stream of young, healthy people with money coming into the program.”
“Unfortunately,” the new study continued, “most of America is either fat, on drugs, or disabled. When you add in illegal immigrants, the unemployed, and people on welfare, the pool of ‘useful idiots’ who can actually pay for ObamaCare™ shrinks even further. The ones who are healthy and working already have their own plans and don’t want Obamacare™.”
“So if we’re going to be able to ensure the long-term viability of our ‘pass it to find out what’s in it’ health care program, while simultaneously preserving exemptions for ourselves and our staffs and getting ‘normal’ people to pay for ‘benefits’ that they don’t want or can’t even physically use (like female birth control for male enrollees), then we need a large group of healthy people, who have some money, and who aren’t going to complain too much when we force them into a program they don’t want, with benefits they don’t need, at a price they can’t afford.”
The new study underscored the urgency of moving the military into ObamaCare™ immediately. “We’re showing the press that there are seven million people enrolled in ObamaCare™. Now, we all know that out of a nation of 350 million people, seven million enrollees is… well, it’s pretty shitty. Add to it that six million of the enrollees are people who aren’t even paying for their own premiums, we’re left with about a million people who enrolled because they voted Democrat. When they finally wake up to the fact that they’ve been had and turn against the party, they’ll leave the ObamaCare™ marketplace and then we’ll REALLY be screwed. Unless… we have about a million more people enroll to make up the difference.”
The solution is brilliant in its simplicity: force the military into ObamaCare™.
“The military is the only group large enough, healthy enough, and compliant enough to salvage ObamaCare™,” the new study concluded. “Besides, they’re pretty used to getting screwed over by Congress at this point so they probably won’t complain too much. And even if they do, as shown by the reaction to the military pension cuts that Paul Ryan pulled out of his ass a few months back, no one outside of the military is going to care. President Obama can simply do it by Executive Order. He already said he was willing to go around Congress, so here’s another chance for him to do just that.”
It was clear that the issue of blowback was a primary concern of the study’s authors. “The Marines are usually the ones who throw the biggest hissy fits about stuff like this, but at this point they’re used to getting screwed over by Congress AND their own Commandant and Sergeant Major when it comes to things like money. And right now, the Marines are so excited about getting to roll their sleeves again, and so consumed with other important issues like making sure the Army’s new uniform doesn’t look anything like theirs, that there won’t be a peep out of any of the Marines about this issue.”
The new plan is sure to bring howls of protest from the less-than-1% of Americans who actually serve in the military, but the Obama Administration, as well as Republican Paul Ryan, have repeatedly proven that veterans’ objections are always easily ignored, with no political repercussions whatsoever.
“I mean let’s be honest, the only reason we even have a military anymore is for massive procurement projects and jobs at bases in our districts,” explained Congressman Ryan, when he was contacted for this article. “Now that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are over, we don’t need the military anymore, other than to carry out social experiments. So, why not do this?”
The issue of moving the military into ObamaCare™ represented a rare moment of bipartisan cooperation in Congress. “We know that it will actually cost more in the long run to have active duty military and their families move from Tricare to ObamaCare™,” the new study continued. “We know that veterans, like most Americans, don’t want ObamaCare™. But it’s not ‘our’ money anyway it’s just taxpayer money, and veterans’ don’t vote in a large enough block for us to really care about them as a constituency. Some advocacy groups might make a little noise about it for a couple of weeks, but let’s be real: veterans don’t protest, they don’t riot, and they don’t vote. So, we don’t care.”
The study also presented a detailed implementation plan.
“We’ll have to wait until after the mid-term Congressional elections in order to minimize the backlash, but after our seats in the House and Senate are secure, it’s game on. We’ll do it on the Friday before a long weekend, so even if it gets covered by the press, no one will read about it until Monday, by which time it will have moved off the front page in favor of another article about the latest scandal involving a no-talent actress or a college-level sporting event.”
The move from Tricare to ObamaCare™ might have an additional unforeseen benefit as well, the new study noted. “Forcing veterans and their families into a health care program that people who could actually pay for it do not actually want will help us Democrats resume our well-earned reputation as ‘the party that hates the military.’ Courtesy of Paul Ryan, the Republicans are really giving us a run for our money with the ‘veterans’ most hated’ title right now. But this will make everything right with the universe and we will regain that title we have worked so hard for over the years. And the cost savings that will occur by no longer funding health care for the military can be used to create a Presidential budget that might actually gain more than two votes in Congress. ”
The study showed little sympathy for veterans forced to give up the highly popular and effective Tricare and move to a program that can’t even get a website to operate properly. “What are military people going to complain about anyway?” the study asked. “I mean, their salaries are paid by taxes anyway, so they’re just as much on the government dole as people receiving unemployment or welfare benefits. Being in the military is exactly the same as being on welfare. So taxing them more by putting them under ObamaCare™ is just making smarter use of tax dollars. So, let’s get on it! Yes we can!”
At press time, the Obama Administration had no comment on this story, other than to say ‘all options are on the table’ when it comes to salvaging ObamaCare™.