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Ultimate Drone Matches Between Units

DoD photo by Spc. Michael J. MacLeod, U.S. Army.

“Fuck, yeah, dude! Bravo Company rules the low skies!” said Spec4 Connor Synek after a victorious match at the National Training Center, on Ft. Irwin, California, during a very boring desert training exercise. Bravo Company prevailed over Charlie Company that recent afternoon in a very hard fought drone battle.

Hit The Woodline has learned that U.S. Army and Marine units have been using their drones in airborne cock fights, to settle unit rivalries and bets. Reports are that nearly ninety percent of units are using their drones in unauthorized activities.

“I made $5 grand last week,” said PFC Delbert Culbertson, UAV operator in the 3rd Stryker Cavalry Regiment, whom Hit The Woodline interviewed recently on Ft. Hood. “How you going to stop that?” said Culbertson. “And why? Everyone loves it, even my First Sergeant.”

Department of Defense investigators spread out to military posts across the U.S., looking for these drone matches, and those who were responsible. “We were out for blood,” said Sergeant First Class Donald Kristamurti of Army Criminal Investigation Division. “Misuse of government property is a very serious matter.”

Investigators found the drone matches, lots of them. They also found that the matches had an enormously positive impact on unit morale wherever they were held. “We were going to bust allot of people, ruin a lot of careers,” said Sergeant-Major Louis Pacemater. “But the effects on morale are so positive that we backed off and are allowing them to continue. Hell, they’re a lot of fun. My people are kicking ass!”

There are other unanticipated results of the fights. “My flying skills have got totally fuckin’ sick,” said Culbertson. “I mean, dude, I’m so good now that I could drop a neutron torpedo down a power chute on a death star.”

Popularity of the drone matches has led to some operators and units to painting their drones with military and tribal designs and motifs. “Delilah is bitchin and deserves bitchin paint,” said Culbertson, who recently added Boeing art to his drone, which he calls “Delilah,” and will only say that he and his First Sergeant received a “Crazy assed” amount of money for that paint.

The global aerial military drone market has gone from around $5 billion in 2013 to around $8 billion in mid-2015. The civilian market has gone from under $1 billion to around $3 billion in that same time period.

When asked for comment, Brittany Ponderheimer, VP of marketing at Lockheed Martin, said, gleefully, “We will gladly replace all drones lost or destroyed.”

Hit The Woodline has also learned that numerous corporations have recently began investigating this emerging “fighting drone” market and began developing drones specifically for that market. “We expect to have two models, Atom and Smasher, out the middle of next year,” said Ponderheimer.

Culbertson says he has been contacted by several corporations for his expert input and said, “Dude, what they have in mind is fucking sick! Totally badass!”

Fight promoters are rumored to be looking into the possibility of drone death matches and are even now in the early stages of forming a DFC, Drone Fight Championship, and scheduling next March in Vegas an event to be called “Ultimate Drone Fight Night.”

“Bring it on. We are ready,” said Culbertson. “Top says this is his retirement, but it is my chance for the big time. Kardashians, move over. Delilah and me is in-bound, bitches.”

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • Jim

    I’m thinking photo-ops to fund this program. Hi-Rez photos from a Kardashian wedding or divorce party, Cher emerging from her plastic surgeon, Katy Perry with normal hair, Or Sandra Bullock on a date with another loser could sell to the National Enquirer for a fortune. Probably enough to fond mini guns for the drones…..

    • TexJ3

      Jim, I think you’re onto something. Maybe add a “Dudes with Drones” calendar?

      • Jim

        I figure if a drone can take a photo of a guy taking a shit in the bushes in Syria, a photo of a Kardashian in Beverly Hills would be easy. They are freaking everywhere on Rodeo simultaneously……Dudes with Drones, mrspaul would buy one for sure….

        • disqus_mrspaul

          Count me in!!!

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