Fort Benning, GA (October 17, 2013)- Rangers are known through out the United States military as some of the most lethal soldiers on the battlefield. They have gone out night after night for over a decade to kill or capture some of our nations most ruthless and high valued enemies. What many don’t know is that every Ranger is trained to a very high medical standard, regardless of military occupational specialty. This enables the strike force to be highly effective in that they are not crippled if one of the designated medical personnel is not readily available or is maybe wounded themselves.
The Ranger First Responder (RFR) certification is the vehicle in which we deliver all this medical knowledge to the individual Ranger. RFR training is extensive and in-depth, but also not widely publicized. So today we are going to take a look at RFR training, and what it takes to get this coveted certification that puts the individual Ranger above USAF Pararescueman (PJ’s), Special Forces Medical Sergeants (18D’s), Naval Independent Duty Corpsman (IDC’s), Medical Doctors, Surgeons, Chiropractors, Dentists, Optometrists, and most Demi-Gods.
Ranger First Responder Overview
Phase 1: Anatomy and Physiology memorization
The introductory phase of RFR is memory intensive; to see if the Ranger has what it takes to go on to the next phases. The following works must be memorized and recited before a board of Ranger Medic’s (actual Angels):
- Grey’s Anatomy
- The Chest X-Ray: A Survival Guide by Gerald de Lacey
- Brain CT Scans in Clinical Practice
- Atlas of Tropical Medicine and Parasitology
- Basic Clinical Neuroscience
- Board Stiff TEE: Transesophageal Echocardiography, 2e
- Robbins and Cotran Atlas of Pathology, 2e
Phase 2: Dental
To pass this phase, the Ranger must successfully receive a ‘Go’ on the following tasks:
- Conduct a whole-mouth transplant on a man, a woman, and a child (one each).
- Remove his own wisdom teeth, with no anesthesia.
- Demonstrate the proper techniques to “Curb Stomp” AQ and Haqqani network terrorists.
Phase 3: Optometry
If the Ranger can’t see, he can’t fight – so this phase is very important for RFR certification. The Ranger must go through a gamut of optometry tasks, but the highlights of this phase are as follows:
- Must conduct Lasik and PRK operation in the field using only a Gerber multi-tool, a pair of broken bifocals, and a classroom laser pointer (the kind you use during Power Point presentations)
- Must demonstrate effective eye gouging techniques, to include the “finger hook” method.
Phase 4: Internal Medicine
This entails everything from flu shots up to curing cancer. To move on from this phase, you have to cure at least one case of brain cancer, as well as infect a small village with the Ebola virus, and then cure it.
Phase 5: Tactical Medicine
This phase is very important for obvious reasons. The following tasks must be completed and receive a ‘Go’ rating:
- Combat roll while simultaneously inserting an IV into the sternum, perform needle decompression, and inserting a nasal pharyngeal. All three performance steps must be complete before the combat roll is complete.
- Shoot a volunteer in the face, and then stop bleeding, bandage, and then conduct plastic surgery.
- Treat heat stroke using nothing more than a safety pin and a roll of organic toilet paper.
Phase 6: Advanced Surgery
This phase is particular challenging, but simple in that there is only one required task. The Ranger must literally assemble a human being from scratch. The human must be fully operational, and capably of being a productive member of society.
Phase 7: Veterinary
The Ranger must successfully heal unicorns, dragons, and Yetti’s of all magical ailments, up to and including hurt feelings.
Phase 8: Culmination Exercise (CULLEX)
In this phase you have to combine all of the above phases for a final test where you are sent in to a third world country and have to cure hunger and stop the spread of disease, while killing the enemy and then bringing them back to life as supporters of freedom, bacon, and beer. Freedom must be of the American brand, the love of bacon must be thick-cut and nitrate free, and the beer must have at least a 5% alcohol content.
After the Ranger successfully completes all eight phases, he is awarded the RFR certification. The Ranger must recertify every 36 months in a two week condensed version of the above course, focusing on the testable material.
Hopefully you have a newfound respect for your local Rangers, and what they are able to do both on and off the battlefield. They are true medical professionals and are capable of many, many things outside just shooting bad guys in the face (although they are good at that too).
This has been a Hit the Woodline SATIRE piece and should not be regarded as truthful. No reference of any individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or harm. All characters in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.