France Surrenders to Russia
March 3, 2014
Rangers To Bring Back “High and Tight”
March 29, 2014

The Marines Are Fighting Mad

Camp Lejeune, NC (March 20, 2014) – The U.S. Marine Corps elite Critical Skills Operators  (CSO’s), who fill the ranks of the newly stood up Marine Special Operations Command (MARSOC), are standing up and speaking out about their mistreatment by the general public. The CSO’s feel that they are not receiving equal treatment among their special operations brethren in the other branches of service, and are no longer willing to stand idly by.

The Stolen Valor Act was signed into law on December 20th, 2006 making it illegal for “posers” to seek financial gain from impersonating service members. That hasn’t stopped individuals from egregiously taking on the identity of military heroes though.  There have been an increasing number of non-military personnel brandishing numerous awards and badges, some from conflicts they were not even alive for.  You can usually spot these honor thieves rather easily, as they are generally overweight, wear a moustache, and have the coveted Navy SEAL Trident sitting misplaced upon a barrage of ribbons only awarded to Army personnel.  Common headwear for these imposters typically includes the Green Beret of the renowned Army Special Forces, or the Tan Beret of the elite Army Rangers. The absence of any CSO impostors has lead to the current turbulence from within the MARSOC community. The question of “Why don’t we have any posers?” quickly rose through the ranks.

We were able to secure an exclusive interview with one of these disgruntled CSO’s, Lt. Brian Ziya.  When asked how he felt, Lt. Ziya expressed his concern with the increase of these incidents by stating, “I just don’t get it!  These guys are out here pretending to be something they are not. I’m sick of seeing guys trying to impress people on Facebook with their Tridents and Ranger Scrolls!  It’s bullshit!  Why don’t we ever see them flaunting that Recon Jack?!  I mean, it looks just as cool as the Trident!” The Lieutenant then muttered something about Heartbreak Ridge under his breath, but the low grunt of a Marine is sometimes hard to decipher.

It may seem counter-intuitive for the elite operators of the Marine Corps to be upset about NOT being imitated, so in an attempt to clarify the CSO’s position, we pressed for more comments on the Marines position on the matter. “Hell yeah I’m mad, and it’s not just me!  We work just as hard as those SEALs, albeit we don’t have as many Hollywood movies, book deals, or gleaming golden tans – but we do cool stuff too!  Imitation is the highest form of flattery, and there is nothing a sea-faring, Amos-loving Marine loves more than being flattered by other men!”

In an effort to clear up why the poser community is shunning the MARSOC operators, we contacted an experienced poser who was hanging out at the local mall adorned with a tan beret, Special Forces tab, and combat astronauts badge. “We just don’t get them, ya know? Like, they say they do the same stuff as Green Berets? So I mean, as a professional poser, it just don’t make sense to imitate another poser. Authenticity is everything to us.”

One thing is for certain, all special operations units will continue fulfilling their important roles in the war on terror. Navy SEAL’s will continue working on their tans, Pararescueman will continue applying hair product, Special Forces will continue justifying relaxed grooming standards no matter the environment, and Rangers will continue to make sure their socks are within regulation.

 

This has been a Hit the Woodline SATIRE piece and should not be regarded as truthful. No reference of any individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or harm.

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
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