Fayettenam, NC (December 9th, 2014) With the rising occurrence of stolen valor both within in the militaries ranks and out, the economic law of supply and demand has produced a startlingly grotesque product: Stolen Valor Starter Kits. With posers demanding a one stop shop of Navy SEAL Tridents, Ranger Tabs, the distinctive green beret of the Special Forces, Purple Hearts, and Sergeant Majors rank, it was only inevitable that a starter kit would eventually be made.
One poser, who only wanted to be identified as Sarn’t Major, said, “It’s really ridiculous that I had to go to, like, fourteen different websites to order the stuff for my first uniform. I mean, I almost made a real fool of my self at my first Veterans Day parade; no mustard stain on my HALO wings? That’s just amateur. And let’s face it, we really have to be on our game these days, what with all those MILSIM Airsoft guys constantly calling us out for not looking ‘realistic’ enough. Man, fuck those airsoft guys…” He went on to recount a war story eerily similar to the plot of Act of Valor, but his mom had just finished dinner and was calling him.
The starter kit has caused quite the ruckus in the active duty military as well. Complaints from active and former Navy SEALs have been reported, regarding the lack of attempt in the ad to mimic their “clearly superior unit prowess” (their words not ours). Air Force Pararescueman have been rumored to actually be purchasing the kit with unit funds for the hair gel that is included. Possibly worst of all, a few Rangers had purchased the kit accidentally while preparing for a Class A inspection. One thing remains certain: Posers will continue to up their game, and are not daunted by the MILSIM communities deep pockets for gear purchases, or the militaries apparent fixation on “actually doing the work to wear the medals, badges, and patches.”