Fort Benning, GA – As the Army in general, and Ranger veterans in particular celebrate the graduation of two female officers from the prestigious U.S. Army Ranger School, some students who didn’t make it to graduation day are complaining. What isn’t making many news headlines is the fact that there were abnormally high amounts of male Ranger students who quit during the notoriously difficult “Mountain Phase” of the course, but not because of the long movements or the dizzying heights. They quit… because of a bear problem.
“We were sitting in the patrol base one morning after actions on the objective were complete, you know, just doing our priorities of work as usual while trying to stay awake. We knew that our two fearless leaders in the class, the females from West Point, had been in School so long that their menstrual cycles had synced up. This created a problem, because rumor from the class ahead of us was that their double-trouble periods were attracting bears! Well no shit there we were, when a fucking ten-foot black bear came galloping towards our perimeter! We tried to scare it off by shooting blanks, but it didn’t work!” said one Ranger student who declined to be named.
According to the Ranger Instructors at 5th RTB, that wasn’t an isolated incident. One RI we spoke to was visibly shaken by the whole experience, “I’ve been to Afghanistan and Iraq, I’ve fought our enemies regardless of where they were or how hard the fight was going to be, but I have never seen anything like this. Every night for a week, the roaming, blood-lusting bears were probing our perimeter. They could smell the female’s periods from a mile away, and would stop at nothing to get to them. We lost a lot of good students to bears…. A lot of good students…”
It didn’t stop in the mountains outside of Dahlonega, Georgia though. Our exclusive sources have informed us that as the female students moved on to Florida Phase, the bears migrated with them, following their womanly scent. One of those sources, “Sergeant R”, said, “It was one night in the swamps of Florida that the bear problem came to a head. Over 40 Ranger students were injured in the multi-faceted black bear attack, some mortally so. Hillary Clinton initially told us to blame it on a YouTube video that was insulting to black bears everywhere, but we knew that wouldn’t work because… you know… bears don’t have computers. So instead we leaked it to the press that it was a lightning strike, which seems to have worked.”
Will this be a problem for future Ranger School classes with women? Only time will tell. For now, the main concern is ensuring the safety of the President while he attends the graduation at Fort Benning, as the bear threat will be high with so many women in attendance.