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Pope Orders Military Chaplains To Demand Auto-Pay Deductions From New Military Recruits

The Catholic church is no stranger to making money. In what looks like a move to shore up his Church in the pending economic downturn here in the US, the Pope is pulling out all stops. Hit The Woodline learned this week that the Pope has issued a secret decree, to all active duty and reserve military Catholic chaplains, that demands new recruits give at least 10% of their income via direct deposit to the Church.

One of our staff writers ran into a young man selling tickets to see the Pope outside of 30th street train station in Philadelphia, PA. Jamal, a young Muslim teenager selling tickets to see the Pope had this to say.

“My homies are selling tickets to the see the Pope in Philly at over 100% face value on the black market, it’s crazy man. I’m just glad to make a few bucks off this, mosques don’t charge money, so this is a real opportunity for me.”

Confidential sources inside the church informed us that while it may come as a shock to some, the Catholic church has a long history of scaring or guilting people into giving up their money. “It may seem unprecedented but military members are a good target, they’ve been long exploited by the pay day loan and used car industry, it was only a matter of time before the Catholic church caught up, and got its fair share.”, a confidential source within the Catholic chaplain corps told us.
While it’s no surprise that the Pope is selling tickets to wealthy church goers. The Catholic church has been very smart when it comes to alternatives to help offset the Church’s expensive legal bills that have plagued them since the organization was forced to legally reconcile decades of sexual and mental abuse among it’s youth volunteers.

Only a matter of time indeed.

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Ward Hansen is a US Navy veteran with over six years service as a photographers Mate (PH). He’s been most places in the world people don’t vacation and lived to tell about it.

Ward Hansen
Ward Hansen
Ward Hansen is a US Navy veteran with over six years service as a photographers Mate (PH). He's been most places in the world people don't vacation and lived to tell about it.
"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
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