Newest Medal of Honor Recipient Told to Cut His Hair

Washington D.C. (October 17, 2013) – In a not-so-shocking turn
of events today, Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler announced that
Captain William Swenson’s Medal of Honor should be rescinded due to CPT
Swenson’s egregious violation of the personal grooming standards of Army Regulation
670-1.

  Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler helps retired Army Capt. William Swenson adjust his Medal of Honor before his induction ceremony into the Pentagon's Hall of Heroes in Arlington, Va., on Oct. 16. Swenson received the Medal of Honor for his actions in the battle of Ganjgal in 2009. (Mike Morones / Staff)   Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler helps retired Army Capt. William Swenson adjust his Medal of Honor before his induction ceremony into the Pentagon’s Hall of Heroes in Arlington, Va., on Oct. 16. Swenson received the Medal of Honor for his actions in the battle of Ganjgal in 2009. (Mike Morones / Staff)

The controversy arose after Captain Swenson arrived at a ceremony to induct him into the Pentagons Hall of Heroes with out a hair cut, ignoring the Sergeant Major of the Army’s directions to “clean it up” after the ceremony to award him the Medal of Honor earlier in the week at the White House. “Captain Swenson’s hair is prejudicial to good order and discipline,” said SMA Chandler, after he boldly removed the nation’s highest honor from around Captain Swenson’s neck and tossed it to an aide in an attempt to prove his point. “We are an Army in transition,” Chandler continued, repeating an oft-heard and meaningless mantra that has become a new catchphrase in the armed services. “There is no room for those who cannot adapt to our new reality… that includes people with tattoos, or sideburns, or war wounds.”

Pentagon sources are also reporting that a formal request has been submitted by Chief of Staff Raymond Odierno to the Ranger Training Brigade at Fort Benning, GA to have Captain Swenson’s Ranger tab revoked. “I guess you must not have read the memo about being ‘an adaptive Army leader for a complex world,’” Odierno growled at Swenson. “If you had, you would have ‘adapted’ that hair of yours to the barber shop. I mean, what kind of example are you setting for the troops?” Odierno inquired, running his hand over his own head to show the expected standard of hair length in the New Army. “Come see me when you think you can start being a role model for our junior troops!”

Shortly after the ceremony, however, a black helicopter landed and Captain Swenson was whisked away to an undisclosed location in a remote area of Fort Bragg, North Carolina, where he was summarily awarded an honorary Special Forces tab and presented a memo authorizing him relaxed grooming standards “forever” and permission to “put his hands in his pockets any time he damn well pleases.” Captain Swenson was last seen walking into the Pentagon yelling “Get down if ya don’t got it!” in reference to the officers and senior enlisted with out a Medal of Honor who were just standing around when they should have been, as Swenson put it “Fighting the damn war and not worrying about tattoo’s and hair!”

This has been a Hit the Woodline SATIRE piece and should not be regarded as truthful. No reference of any individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or harm.