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New Vatican Army

Hit The Woodline has learned that the Vatican is expanding its 135-man Swiss Guard for offensive operations, is making the Vatican’s token ceremonial force into a full-fledged military force, complete with all requisite branches and assets. It is rumored that this new military will have global reach and will soon be called the Forza della Difesa di Vatican, which in English means Vatican Defense Force, which in the Pentagon is already being referred to as the VDF.

Rumors are that this decision by the Vatican was partly due to rumors about the Pope wanting to join the French Foreign Legion, to get into the global fight against Islamic extremists, and that if he had his own global force of badasses that he might be less prone to impetuous impulses.

Four battalions are being formed and called the Corsican, the Noble, the Palatine and the Zouave Battalions. American cardinals lobbied for a Basilone Battalion, but were voted down. To fill those battalions, the Vatican is looking for volunteers and has expanded its requirements.

Swiss Guard volunteers now must be Catholic, or at least Episcopal, be single and be a veteran of any European military with at least two years of service, have a clean record of good conduct and not to have undergone a gender reassignment procedure. The soon-to-be VDF is rumored to be in special negotiations with the French Foreign Legion. (The U.S. Marine Corps is said to be at the top of the VDF’s Do Not Recruit list for being too badass.) Plans are in place to expand those four battalions to brigades by 2017.

Numerous cardinals and bishops have request transfer to the new VDF for various senior leadership roles. Cardinal Calvino will be Chief of Sacred Ground (Army) Operations. Cardinal Pippino will be Chief of Holy Water (Naval) Operations. Cardinal Silvio will be Chief of the Vatican Angel (Air) Force. Cardinal Gerardo will be Chief of Special Operations, the Naval unit of which will be called the Holy SEELs. VDF SOF forces will be focused on, mainly, priest and nun extractions, military exorcisms and divine military interventions.

Local residents report that gun emplacements are being installed at various points around the Vatican City. Gun barrels are said to be bristling about St. Peter’s Basilica and the Papal Palace. Locals also report that numerous bars and strip clubs are being opened in the Aurelio and Prati quarters around the Vatican City in preparation for the influx of papal protectors.

Two priests were seen yesterday strolling across Saint Peter’s Square with Heckler and Koch MP5A3 submachine guns slung across their chests. When asked about the weapons, both priests excitedly said, “Siamo pronti a fargli un culo.” (Which, in Italian, means “We are getting ready to kick some ass.”)  and them emptied both magazines into the air, killing several pigeons. A bishop later tried to explain their enthusiasm with a shrug and said, “We have a been a dreaming of this for a long a time.”

VDF branches, yet to be formed, are said to already be squabbling over funding allocations.

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