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Medal of Honor Recipient Finally Cuts His Hair

Washington, D.C. (April 19th, 2014) – Medal of Honor recipient Captain Michael Swinson admitted defeat today in his long-running battle to keep his free-running hair.  Reporting to the White House with his head completely shorn, Captain Swinson had his Medal of Honor returned and was quietly allowed to return to active duty in a private White House ceremony held earlier this evening.

Captain William Swinson had his Medal of Honor confiscated soon after it was awarded due to Swinson’s out-of-regulation hair. Captain William Swinson had his Medal of Honor confiscated soon after it was awarded due to Swinson’s out-of-regulation hair.

Readers may remember the shocking news that Captain Swinson had his Medal of Honor revoked by Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler soon after it was awarded due to Swinson’s highly unauthorized hair.  “I don’t care how many little blue ribbons with little white stars you have, it’s AR-670-1, not AR-Swinson,” Chandler reportedly told Swinson before adding a hard “sir” for additional snark.

Damning photos leaked to veteran-owned websites Blackside Concepts and Shadowspear.com back in October showed Chandler relieving Swinson of his Medal of Honor shortly after it was initially awarded.  Chandler told reporters that he had been keeping the Medal “in a safe place” ever since.

“I thought that revoking his Medal of Honor would be enough to get that young captain back in line,” Chandler stated in a press conference he called after the re-awarding ceremony.  “But instead, Captain Swinson thought he could hide out in the Special Forces with all of the other long-haired hippies at Fort Bragg.” Chandler stated.  “Swinson thought that because he got some medal that the rules don’t apply to him.  Well, let this be a lesson to everyone who thinks they can dodge Army regulations, the Big Green Weenie can reach into Fort Bragg, too.”

 Back in regs, back in uniform:  Medal of Honor recipient William Swinson recipient looks like a totally different person without his hair.  Back in regs, back in uniform:  Medal of Honor recipient William Swinson recipient looks like a totally different person without his hair.

Swinson admitted that the decision to cut his hair did not come easily. “Adapting to a garrison lifestyle after thirteen straight years of combat has been difficult,” he explained.  “First, the Army decided that no real warrior has tattoos, so I got out my belt sander and got rid of all of those.  Then I had to shave my beard, since I wasn’t hunting down Al Qaeda assholes anymore; my chainsaw took care of that.  But when it came to my hair… yeah, well I had to draw the line somewhere.”

After having his Medal of Honor confiscated by Sergeant Major of the Army Chandler, Swinson travelled to Fort Bragg, North Carolina and sought sanctuary with the Army’s storied 2nd Special Forces Group, an organization renowned for offering refuse to Army Regulation scofflaws.  Unfortunately, it didn’t last.  “2nd Group was very good to me,” Swinson explained, “but what with that lion hunting scandal and the bar to re-enlistment that Sergeant Major Chandler imposed on me, I didn’t have much of a choice.  So, I shaved off all of my hair.  ALL of it,” Swinson emphasized, blinking to show his shaved eyebrows, “and I crocheted it into a black beret that I gave to Sergeant Major Chandler to show him there were no hard feelings.  In fact, he’s wearing it right now.”

“Let this be a lesson to everyone,” Chandler said, “I don’t care how many deployments you have, or what you’ve done for your country, we’re returning to a garrison army that is all about surface-level appearances, risk aversion, and political correctness. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go update Congress on the status of the Army’s “NO HOTCHiC” program and brief them on how they can cut all our manpower and benefits and still have an effective Army.  Good day.”

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