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September 29, 2015
News Release – New Editors
November 12, 2015

Marines Pressured To Integrate Both Genders In Infantry

Washington, D.C. – The controversy surrounding females attending and graduating Ranger School has made nationwide headlines and even sparked a congressional investigation. While the Army is now seen as progressive by leading the way with gender integration, the U.S. Marine Corps has come under even more intense scrutiny for their gender bias. Due to the Army graduating three females from the infamous Ranger School, the Marines are facing mounting pressure to graduate their first male from the School of Infantry.

Picture courtesy of U.S. Marine Corps

Picture courtesy of U.S. Marine Corps

The Marine Corps has claimed that they do, in fact, have male graduates. To many outsiders, it’s “really hard to tell” though. One soldier from the Army’s 3rd Infantry Division said, “The Marines may say they have men in the infantry, but I don’t believe it for one second. I mean, every time I have been on the same FOB as them, all they do is bitch and whine about their hair, practice doing crunches to tone their abs, and lay out tanning in the afternoon sun after taking turns putting tanning oil on each other. Like I said, a bunch of women.”

Will the Marine Corps eventually bend to political pressure? According to Dakota Wood, a retired Marine Corps officer and analyst at the Heritage Foundation, they shouldn’t. Wood said, “It certainly hasn’t been an issue to have high failure rates for men all these years. Any argument to lower the standards just to accommodate … would have to be justified based on how such a change improves combat effectiveness in the infantry.”

The fight over gender integration in Marine Corps combat arms will no doubt rage for the coming years. For now, the American public is satisfied with the Marines’ track record as the global 911 force, and is perfectly happy letting “a bunch of limp-wristed Nancy’s” continue to do the fighting. reached out to General Mattis for comment, but our reporters head was sent back to our office in a nicely wrapped box with a note informing us that it was ill-advised to ask him whether there were men in the Marine Corps infantry or not.

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