Newest Medal of Honor Recipient Told to Cut His Hair
October 18, 2013
173rd Airborne On The Chopping Block
November 5, 2013

Marine Corps Upstages Army Uniforms Once Again

In
a rare departure from the intra-service rivalry that typifies the relationship
between their two branches of service, the Chief of Staff of the Army, General
Raymond Odierno, sent a formal letter of concession to the Commandant of the
Marine Corps acknowledging that the Marines have successfully wrested away the
only edge that the Army held over the Marine Corps uniforms.[1]

“Compared
to the Marine Corps, the Army has always been at a disadvantage when it comes
to uniforms,” General Odierno said to a packed audience at the AUSA convention
this past weekend. “Everyone knows that the Marines have the best uniforms.
They beat us in every category, from comfort level to CDI factor. But as long
as we had the black beret, we figured that there was one category that the
Corps would never beat us in: pure ridiculousness. It was no accident that my
friend and fellow West Pointer, Eric Shenseki, foisted the black beret on the
entire Army. It wasn’t because he was a disaffected tanker that didn’t have the
guts to earn a beret in the Airborne or in a SOF unit on his own. It wasn’t
because he hated Rangers. He just wanted to have a uniform category that was
distinctly Army. And when the Army adopted a floppy French hat as its
organizational headgear, we thought that ‘Most Ridiculous Service-Specific
Headgear Copied from the French Design’ would be the Army’s throughout
perpetuity. I mean, we had a hat that you have to shave with a razor and douse
in boiling water just to get it to fit your head, that you can’t put on with
one hand, and that looks utterly ridiculous on 75% of the people who try to
wear it, because they don’t know how to do it right. Who could possibly beat us
in the ‘crappy headgear’ department?”

“But
no!” Odierno shouted, the veins in his gleaming bald head popping in anger. “It
wasn’t enough for the Marines to have the best dress uniforms out of all the
armed services. It wasn’t enough for them to have the only ground combat
uniform that wasn’t an utter failure. It wasn’t enough for them to put their
little propaganda emblem on all their gear so no other services can use it.
They had to beat us in EVERYTHING. And with their new service caps, they have
finally done it. While our black beret only looked ridiculous on ‘most’ of our
people, the new Marine hat looks utterly laughable on 100% of Marines. They
took what is arguably the most masculine fighting outfit in the world today,
and put them in headgear copied from what is unarguably the worlds most
ridiculed. As a result, we officially no longer have the worst hat in the US
military. It is a sad, sad day in the Army,” Odierno concluded.

Apparently,
the effort to change the Marines’ signature headgear came late last year, at
the Marine Corps Ball. One brave young Marine was willing to give the full
scoop:

“You
know how Marines are always pathetically inviting every celebrity they can
think of to come to the Marine Corps Ball, right? Well, last year it actually
worked. Lindsey Lohan had to knock out some community service for her latest
DUI… or grand theft… I don’t remember. Anyway, the point is, the judge was a
former Jarhead and he told her that he would knock off half of her sentence if
she went to the Ball and didn’t embarrass the Corps. So she shows up, drunk as
shit, and tries to make out with the Commandant’s wife,” this insider revealed,
his eyes growing wide as he retold the story. “Then, after that, she took the
microphone off the Commandant’s table and tried to do a slutty version of
Marilyn Monroe’s ‘Happy Birthday, Mister President’[2] shtick, but for the
Marine Corps.”

“Then,
out of the blue, Kanye West showed up. No one even invited him! He snatched the
mic from Lindsey Lohan, and said, ‘Yo, Ima let ya finish, Marine Corps, but the
US Army had the best headgear stupidity of all time. OF ALL TIME!’ and then
dropped the mic and exited stage left. The entire ballroom was silent for like
a second, and then the Commandant said two words that changed the corps
forever: ‘Challenge accepted.’”

While
enthusiasm at the Marine Corps’ latest victory over the Army is high, reactions
to the new headgear among rank and file Marines was mixed. “When I had the old
saucer cap on, I felt like a Marine,” said one young man, who wanted his name
protected, fearing retaliation. “But when I wear this hat it makes me feel
all…” the young lance corporal paused, searching for the right words, “French,
I guess. And weak,” he explained. “Or maybe those two are the same thing. I
don’t know, I just know I don’t like the new hat.”

Others
disagreed. “If it was good enough for (two-time Medal of Honor recipient) Dan
Daly, then it’s good enough for the rest of the Corps!” growled one crusty
gunnery sergeant.

But
Marine Corps Chief Historian Dan Richards is quick to point out the flaw in
this logic. “People who bring up that Marine Corps hero Dan Daly wore a
throwback version of the new Marine hat don’t know the full story,” Richards
explains. “I mean, look at this picture of him. He’s sporting two of the
nation’s highest award, the Medal of Honor, as well as the Distinguished
Service Cross. But does he look happy to you? No! Of course not. You know why?
It’s because even with all that ‘bling,’ he knows he still looks ridiculous.”

 Not even Daly liked the hats...  Not even Daly liked the hats…

“The Marines adopted the kepi-looking round cap back before everyone in the world realized that the French were useless warfighters and stopped emulating their uniforms and tactics.” Richards continued. “Dan Daly himself petitioned the Corps to abandon the round hat, but since he only had two Medals of Honor, the Navy Cross, and the Distinguished Service Medal, as an enlisted man back in those days he couldn’t get an audience with the Commandant. So it took World War II for the Corps to realize that the French weren’t exactly a good model to pattern one’s on military after.”

Back in the Army’s wing of the Pentagon, the brass schemed for revenge. Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler, a cavalryman,[3] came up with a brilliant idea. “Don’t’ worry sir, we still have the Stetson,” he said, referring to the headgear that magically imbues officers and Soldiers in cavalry units with a sense of unearned elitism and douchy-ness. “With this hat, the mighty Stetson, we may yet one day take back the title of ‘silliest headgear’ from the Marines!” This seemed to cheer up Odierno, who asked for a reflective belt to be incorporated into the new, Army-wide Stetson. “That way, it can be worn in garrison AND downrange in Iraq and Afghanistan!” he shouted triumphantly.

Not to be outdone by the Marines and the Army, the lesser branches of service announced they are changing their headgear too. The Air Force revealed a kepi hat with blue tiger stripes, and the Navy is planning a tasseled fez, covered with fur, to match their fuzzy black boots. The expenses of these new and unnecessary changes are unknown at the moment, but if the first round of useless uniform switch-ups are any indication,[4] these latest uniform changes are expected to cost the American taxpayers at least $10 billion, a bargain compared to what all of these uniform changes are going to do for the effectiveness of the nation’s warfighters.

This has been a Hit the Woodline SATIRE piece and should not be regarded as truthful. No reference of any individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or harm.

 

[1] http://nypost.com/2013/10/23/obama-wants-marines-to-wear-girly-hats/

[2] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqolSvoWNck

[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raymond_F._Chandler

[4] http://www.businessinsider.com/the-…-billion-mistake-choosing-its-uniforms-2012-6

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