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Jez Battalions, The New Female Special Operators

Hit The Woodline has learned that U.S. Army Special Forces is adding a forth battalion to each Special Forces group and that these forth battalions will be called “Jez Battalions.” These battalions, and their organic teams, called ODFs, will deploy on operations that require their special skills, missions for which are problematic or impossible for all-male detachments.

“Jez” is short for “Jezebel,” who was a 9th century B.C. Phoenician princess and wife of Ahab, king of northern Isreal. The Hebrew Bible, and Christian Old Testament, portray Jezebel as a persecutor of Israelites and a blasphemer. In modern references she is associated with false prophets and prostitutes.

“Jezebel has been maligned by history,” says Brigadier General Catherine Wildeman, one of the officers responsible for getting the Jez battalions off the floor. “She was an empowered woman in a leadership position whose story has since been twisted and usurped to serve misogynists.” Wildeman appeared to want to say more, but was hustled away by an agitated Public Affairs officer.

Each Jez Battalion will contain six 6-person teams and six 3-person teams. The teams are code named “Angel Teams.” The only male member of each team will be the team sergeant, each of which will be code named “Charlie” followed by the team number.

Angels are trained in a variety or weapons, tactics, demolitions, combatives (hand-to-hand) specially fitted to their needs, and language and intelligence skills, just like male special operators. But, angels are also being trained in unique skills, such as how to drink and brew tea of various cultures, how to wear chadors and burkhas, and which weapons to best conceal under those coverings, and how to cook and clean under austere conditions.

It is rumored that little red cocktail dresses are also part of Jez TO&E and that angels are trained in their various uses and to pack them into their rucks in air-tight bags. When asked about the red dresses, Wildeman said the dresses are only for special ceremonies and have nothing to do with mission performance, but added, “How the fuck did you find out about that?”

Unnamed sources close to the Jez battalions told HTW that even though they are still overcoming hurdles, the Jez Battalions and their Angel Teams are brining new factors to the Special Operations equation, some of which were anticipated, some of which were not.

It is also rumored that Angel Teams are currently deployed on clandestine operations in various parts of the world, doing missions that male operators could not do. There are rumors that last week an Angel Team infiltrated into an ISIS-held town in northeast Syria, dressed as Muslim women, to do reconnaissance. All was going fine until last night when an ISIS fighter told an Angel sergeant, “That Niqab makes you look fat.” In the next hour all ISIS fighters were slaughtered and the town is leveled. But, U.S. and Kurd forces will not approach the now secure town until, according to Captain Carlos Murphy, “Those gals calm down a bit.”

We at Hit The Woodline will keep our ears to the mound for any word or whisperings about Angel activities and operations.

Hit The Woodline has also been asked to put out the word within the Special Forces community that the process of interviewing Charlies is back-logged at least three years and to please stop submitting packets and applications. But, BG Wildeman and the other officers in charge do appreciate all the support, and all the chocolates and wine.

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • robtheblather

    Good thing they added that disclaimer line at the bottom. Otherwise I would have believe it to be the thruth!

    • Mother Forker

      Well, I guess that’s good. Good satire sometimes masquerades as real news.

  • disqus_mrspaul

    “ears to the ‘mound’??? Seems like using your ears is a trick I haven’t heard of. But that may just be an error, like the slip of the tongue!!!

    • Mother Forker

      Uh, yeah, a little slip of, um, the tongue there.

  • Jim

    I think Farrah would be a great undercover name for a blond on an Angel team. If you could get a good photo of her in a red swimsuit, she could become a recruiting poster that would adorn the walls of American teen age boys forever. It could help many of them in their hands-on training towards eventual manhood, and would be very inspirational. Trust me, I have first hand experience.

    • Mother Forker

      Pardon your pun.

      • Jim

        Most famous poster of my generation. Usually placed on the bottom of your younger brother’s top bunk so it could be observed while horizontal in the bottom bunk….

        • Jim

          See below:

          • Mother Forker

            I have this poster in a box in my basement.

          • Jim

            Cool. My grandkids have no idea. Then again, they don’t know what a cassette is either…

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