Starbucks’ War on Christmas
November 13, 2015
Jez Battalions, The New Female Special Operators
November 17, 2015

ISIS Claims Bieber and Other Attacks

Justin Bieber warning Hit The Woodline not to delve into his Jihadist roots.

A new ISIS video, released on the Dark Net, claims that ISIS is responsible for numerous attacks on America that are usually outside their norm, including market corrections, medication recalls, failed TV shows, Justin Bieber and even the War on Xmas.

HTW learned, through secret channels, of Farhan ibn Abdani, who is head of Special Projects for ISIS, and the mastermind of the more surprising ISIS attacks, and he agreed to talk to us.

Lasiproxen, which was designed to treat erectile dysfunction but was found mostly to just cause extreme flatulance during sex, in eighty percent of those who took the drug, was also claimed by ISIS, to be their dirty work. “Yeah, my bosses were not happy about that one,” said Farhan. “One of them said it took him two weeks to air out his hut.”

Said Cliff Lowenstein, VP of Marketing at NovaMed, when asked about a flatulent-sex drug, said, “Ha! Yeah, if only. We’d love to have an in-road into that market. Wait. Don’t print that. Hey, I said….Damnit!”

ISIS also claimed that Justin Bieber is a deep-cover Jihadist operative. Farhan said Justin Bieber’s real name is Abu bin Amir and has been a deep-cover mole for ISIS since he was he was two, when he was spotted and recruited at a bazaar in Baidoa where he sang azhans, Muslim calls to worship.

Said Justin Bieber publicist, Jen Berger, “What?! No! Justin was no attachment to ISIS or any other terrorist organization! That is ridiculous! I doubt Justin even knows what ISIS is, or could point out even one Arab country on a map!”

We, the editors at Hit The Woodline, think that possibly Ms Berger doth protesteth too much.

“You Americans, your power and resources are vast,” said Farhan. “But, so are your capacities for self-indulgence and distraction, and I have found those very easy to take advantage of, God be praised.”

The TV show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, was a surprising ISIS victory. “We had no idea that show would be so effective,” said Farhan, adding, “We estimate that those Kardashian girls have been more effective in damaging Western culture than a thousand IEDs ever could.” Farhan added that the success of that operation has also made it highly unlikely that the Kardashian women will ever again agree to cover themselves. “Chador, hell,” said Farhan, “they won’t even put on shirts anymore!”

Farhan admitted that he was not the mastermind behind the War on Christmas, but wishes he could claim that one. “I would love to meet the guy who is responsible for that,” said Farhan. “I would love to shake his hand and buy him a drink, and tell him ‘Dude, Allah be praised.’ But, of course, it is likely that he is a Christian. Wouldn’t that be ironic? What the hell. I’d still like to buy him a drink.”

ISIS also claims responsibility for the Sub-Prime Housing Crsis. Said Farhan, “I think that I am most proud of that project. And I must tell you, when Rafiq, my guy in charge of financial disasters, came to me and told me the idea, I said, “Rafiq, you wild man! That would never work! The American public would never fall for such a thing! Boy, was I wrong, Allah be praised.”

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
The Force12 Media Network