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Top 10 Ways To Let Everyone Know You’re A War Hero On The 4th

Dillon, Texas – Americans love their holidays, and love to celebrate them in style. The most violent holiday of all? The one where we collectively buy enough Chinese explosives to single-handedly take down the Russians, and set them all off in the most irresponsible way possible – sometimes even aiming the flying explosives at each other while running through a busy street. That’s what makes America awesome though. We can celebrate how we see fit, and have a good time. Our liberty to do so was granted to us via generations of sacrifice by our military veterans though. Although Independence Day isn’t strictly a “veteran” holiday, we put this handy guide together to help you spot war hero’s on the 4th!

10. They are wearing an “old guy” hat when they aren’t old yet.iraqifreedomveteranhat

9. They are wearing “dog tags” outside of their shirt for all to see, with rubber silencers on them.wearing-dog-tags

8. They are wearing an “operator” hat, with subdued velcro flag.msm-coolguy-cap-raw-008

7. They are sporting an “operator” beard. It should be noted, all operators wear beards, and all veterans who have a beard were operators. No exceptions.1461880_10100652777356137_523069987391842470_n

6. They are wearing “tactical” pants, with tan or green rigger belt. It’s important to note, that the more pockets on the pants, the more heroic the person wearing them was. FE59405-operator-belt-p

5. They have a t-shirt on letting you know that they are a “sheepdog/spartan/crusader/infidel.”sheepdog_tshirt-r8e75deda38734c42a01eb0befee1331f_804gs_324

4. They say “hooah/oorah/hooyah” at the end of every sentence. No exceptions. Especially if they also have a fresh “high and tight” haircut.Screen Shot 2015-07-02 at 2.28.53 PM

3. Every time you complain about traffic, they remind you that it was worse “driving down route Irish back in Oh-Five.” 15776408-mmmain

2. They are wearing the “tactical shorts/tactical boots” combo. Especially if they are coordinating tactical brands, like 5.11 Tactical boots and 5.11 Tactical Shorts. Tactical. Because Tactical. tacoutdoor_2

1. And the number one way to know you have a war hero on your hands… is a sign in their front yard letting you know to be courteous with your fireworks! 150701093332-vets-firewroks-joshua-crowell-irpt-exlarge-169

Now, there is an art to spotting war heroes. Just because someone is a veteran and fits into one or two of the above criteria, doesn’t mean they are a war hero. They might just be a regular veteran. But if you spot someone with five or more of the above? They are a guaranteed, bonafide war hero!

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • David Bixler

    I will solemnly punch anyone in the dick near me that puts one of those signs up. If you actually think you’re doing anyone any good by putting up a sign that says “please don’t do shit that offends me!” then you might as well be a gay night club with a “no gun zone” sign. Same shit. I will not restrain my American pride and my salute to all of MY brothers who fell in combat. No fucking sign is going to stop me.

    I don’t need any of that bullshit to be honest. And for the record, none of the heroes I know like to be called heroes. They prefer to be called Sergeant, Sir, but they prefer I call them Brother or Sister.

    What a load of utter dogshit.

    • Dustin Hartley

      Couldn’t agree more.

    • Freedom?

      The 4th of July is about one thing, and not about what happened in the big ol sand box buddy.

      And most muricans don’t even know what the 4th of July is….Strangely, dishonoring the ones it IS for, and the honor of the event it is for.

      And yes, I’m being vague, so you might just look it us and see how it isn’t about all patriots at all time, though we do in a way in our function also honor them.

      • David Bixler

        Sorry, what?

        • Freedom?

          I expected you were too stupid to understand.

          • David Bixler

            Nice. I don’t know what anything you said has to do with anything because you don’t speak clearly. You talk as if all of the weed you’re smoking has finally taken its toll.

            Independence from the British or not, the 4th of July is a representation of American freedom. The method for celebrating it is a long-held tradition of lights, noise and festivities.

            If you knew me at all you wouldn’t say something so ignorant about me buddy. 😉

  • coder14

    Nailed it. But what if my beard is just that I’m lazy? Some guys may grow a beard because it makes them feel SF, I grow a beard because I was tired of being told I couldn’t. And it keeps my face warm, and saves and hides food from past meals.

  • Rmepig69

    Absolutely agree but you forgot the Spartan helmet images and Molon Labe bullshit.

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