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Syrian Refugees Overwhelm Christmastown

Hit The Woodline has learned that Syrian refugees are threatening Christmas and Santa is at a loss in how to deal with the crisis. “Refugee camps are engulfing Christmastown,” said Mrs. Claus. “The sugar plum orchards outside of town are now a slum.”

Elroy Elfington, Chief of North Pole Security reports that Syrian refugees are overwhelming Christmastown operations. Elves are now behind on production and preparations and are unlikely to have enough toys ready by Christmas Eve.

“All elves are off toys and on refugees at this time,” said Elfin Elfobisher, who is one of the lead elves working to receive the refugees and get them out of the camps and settled into igloos and snow caves.

“There’s going to be a lot of disappointed boys and girls this year,” said Elfy Elvisher, a supervisor in the Toy Department.

“Yeah, a lot of them are right here,” said Elfobisher. “Most of these kids were told that they were going to Disneyland.”

Major Bruce Kochawalski, commander of a U.S. Army Special Forces ODB in the North Pole for another special mission (which Hit The Woodline knows to involve insurgent Krampus gnomes and which HTW reported on several days ago), said that his team has been ordered to lend whatever aid they can to the elves in dealing with their refugee situation.

“We’re short-handed up here,” said Kochawalski. “We need more people, more teams.”

USASOC is said to be assembling special teams of special operators to deploy immediately, possibly today, to the North Pole. Toward that end, special teams of female operators are being selected from MISO and CA units for CSTs and FETs, to interact with the female refugees, most or all of whom are Muslims. Newly conceived ESTs, Elf Support Teams, and EETs, Elf Engagement Teams, are also being assembled.

“We have one goal in mind right now,” said Lt. Gen. Kenneth E. Tovo, commander of USASOC, “and that is to save Christmas.”

“And I need to get off the Naughty List,” said Command Sgt. Maj. Robert V. Abernethy.

“One of our difficulties is telling the kids apart from the elves,” said Sergeant First Class Bilbob Baginson. “When they’re all bundled up in parkas it’s hard to tell them apart. I keep asking elves, by mistake, where their mommy is, and they get pissed. My shins and ankles are black and blue. Elves are not the happy little people they are portrayed to be in movies. Ouch!”

Concerns about the refugees getting out of hand are at present low and the refugees are under control, mostly due to the fact that most of them are too cold to move. Also, Kochawalski’s team has helped the elves in deputizing a militia force of polar bears, yetis and snow snakes to help in containing and administering the refugees, many of whom keep repeating over and over, through chattering teeth, “They said we were going to Detroit.”

Hit The Woodline has also learned that generals are being interviewed and selected to lead a new unified military command which will be called NORPOCOM.

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • disqus_mrspaul

    Here’s an idea, put green lights on the elves, and blue lights on the Syrian refugee children, so discernment of who is who may be carried out safely. Then, rather than keep them in Christmastown, send them to Prime Minister Trudeau’s house in Canada. He is happy to welcome more refugees into his country, and rumor has it, he has a house big enough that can accommodate the ones in Christmastown!!! Problem solved!!! Christmas is saved!!! Merry Christmas, everyone!!!

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