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Starbucks’ War on Christmas

Red cups are the next “incoming” in the war on Christmas, according to Joshua Feuerstein in a YouTube video that went viral recently. “Do you realize that Starbucks wanted to take Christ, and Christmas, off of their brand-new cups? That’s why they’re just plain red,” said Joshua Feuerstein in the video.

Flat red is long known to be the color for Satan, according to Stan Gufferman, research associate at the Guiding Light Evangelical Think Tank. Said Gufferman, “Of course, red is not always evil. It depends on context. But, these cups, without any Christian or Christmas iconography or designs, are open invitations to Satan.”

“Do you realize that Starbucks isn’t allowed to say ‘Merry Christmas’ to customers?” Feuerstein said in his video.

“Making coffee a tool of Satan is just plain wrong,” said Polly Keshameyer, while enjoying a chai latte recently at a Starbucks in Overland Park, Kansas.

Other sources say that these Christmas Hostilities are just a deception from the real threat: Communist take-over of Capitalist coffee. Hit The Woodline has learned of an old CIA rumor that dates back during the Soviet Union, of a dastardly plan for the Commies to bring America to it’s knees through its coffee.

Many people claim to know of the rumor. “I don’t know any details, but by God you do not mess with a man’s coffee,” said Carl Rediger, a self-professed deep-cover CIA operative who has spent his entire career at a secret training facility in Idaho, his under-cover identity that of a KwikTrip clerk. He said also, “And you sure don’t pour it into a plane red cup! My God, what are those people thinking?”

“Look, it really doesn’t matter whether it is Satan or the Commies behind this,” said Amish Carlson, a retired Military Intelligence officer who currently works as a policy analyst for the GLE think tank. “Everyone knows that Communism is the work of Satan,” he added. “So, It doesn’t really matter which is at work here, because they both are.”

Hit The Woodline has also learned that baristas are now being instructed to greet customers as “Commrade” or “Your dark lordship” and that the mermaid within the Starbucks logo is named Olga.

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