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Starbucks CEO To Step Down

Seattle, WA – It’s possible that you have never heard of the man behind one of the most successful corporations of all time but the vision that Howard Schultz brought to the coffee business has changed the industry forever. Today, Howard Schultz shocked the business world by selling his stake in Starbucks to pursue an opportunity with a fledgling coffee start-up, veteran owned Black Rifle Coffee Company.

After hearing a rumor that his decision came after he read his own best selling book, For Love of Country: What Our Veterans Can Teach Us About Citizenship, Heroism, and Sacrifice, we were even more compelled to hear if there was any truth to the speculation.

Howard Schultz, CEO and founder of Starbucks, seen holding a cup of Black Rifle Coffee.

Howard Schultz, CEO and founder of Starbucks, seen holding a cup of Black Rifle Coffee.

We reached out to Schultz, and although his time is obviously very valuable – he was excited to talk to us. The short conversation below took place earlier this afternoon:

Hit The Woodline- Mr. Schultz I’m sure we aren’t the only people asking, but is it true? Are you leaving Starbucks? Is this really goodbye?

HS- Love doesn’t die, it just stops talking.

HTW- Wow that is really insightful.

HS- There’s no goodbye, you just start walking. It was good while it lasted. We had it all for a minute or two.

HTW- Are you…. are you just reciting Sawyer Brown lyrics?

HS- (Uncontrolled laughter)

HTW- You are not really leaving Starbucks… are you?

HS- (More laughter) Of course not you moron! You think Howard mother-f’ing Schultz would bow out of an empire? I was just bored and wanted to mess with a nobody like you. Seriously, we have baristas more well known than you.

HTW- Well don’t I feel silly.

HS- I am partnering up with Black Rifle Coffee though. Evan is the shit, and some might say he’s the Steve Jobs of coffee and freedom. Also, I’m a huge Lord of the Rings fan, and he looks just like Elijah Wood. You should really talk to him about this, because I’m already bored with you. What does ‘Hit the Woodline’ even mean anyway? Never mind, I don’t really care.

After a good cry, I decided to reach out to the folks at Black Rifle Coffee, and was quickly put on the line with Black Rifle Coffee CEO, Evan Hafer. “We’re happy to have Howie on board. He seems like a real go-getter. We’ll start him off at barista and see how he does.” Hafer said.

Hit the Woodline- Barista? Is that… possibly an underutilization of a man who was named ‘Business Person of the Year’ by Forbes Magazine?

EH- I know that may seem a little unorthodox but it’s like Drake said, ya know?

Evan Hafer, CEO of Black Rifle Coffee Company, seen here in deep thought.

Evan Hafer, CEO of Black Rifle Coffee Company, seen here in deep thought.

HTW- Drake? I’m sorry, I’m not familiar.

EH- Started from the bottom now we’re here. Started from the bottom now my whole fucking team here.

HTW- ……

EH- It really is brilliant social commentary, but beyond that he’s saying something real, ya know?

HTW- I’m just not sure what you are talking about.

EH- We don’t like to do too much explaining. Story stays the same, I never changed it.

HTW- Is that more of the Drake song?

EH- Truth.

HTW- This isn’t really Evan Hafer is it?

EH- If it isn’t, the real Evan Hafer is gonna be pissed cause I’m wearing his underwear.

HTW- I… I’m not sure what to say.

EH- That’s cool, man. I’ve got to get Howie’s W-4 all situated and find him an apron anyway. And if he says I look like Elijah Wood one more time, he’s being demoted to janitor, I don’t give a shit what he did at Starbucks!

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