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Star Wars Spoiler Leads to Lockdown

Pandemonium broke out Monday morning at the Bravo Company morning formation when Private Silvio Snuffmeister whispered key plot points and twists to his buddy, Private First Class Bobby Bubblebutt, who reacted with the expected outrage. In the ensuing melee the spoiler content was further leaked and before it could be contained the entire company had heard the leak, had the movie spoiled for them and it all went downhill from there.

“When I get my hands on that little maggot, I am going to rip off his head and shit in his lungs,” said Bravo Company First Sergeant Ray Bustagutt. “We had extra duty this weekend, so few of my company have yet seen the movie. Most of my people are now broken down into hysterical fits. The rest are sitting around mumbling to themselves.”

Within minutes the spoiler leak had spread to the entire battalion. Said 2nd Battalion Sergeant Major Nob Gustafson. “I’ve been to two goat ropings and a watermellon fry and I ain’t never seen nothing like this.”

Rumors are that 3rd Special Forces Group conducted an emergency post evacuation of the entire unit, in order to get away from Ft. Bragg and avoid being contaminated by the spoiler leak, and are conducting an emergency Field Training Exercise in Uwharrie National Forest until the situation on Ft. Bragg is brought under control. A dozen closed taverns around Uwharrie have miraculously opened in response to that news.

Reports are that wives and girlfriends are calling their soldiers and telling them not to come home until they have a chance to see the movie.

“That little asshole, Snuffmeister, has ruined my marriage,” said Staff Sergeant Billy Waughbish of Bravo Company, “and my entire Star Wars experience.”

The entire 325th Regiment has been placed on Lock-Down. Said Colonel Steve Guthern, “If this gets up to the divisional commander, we’re all fucked. He is a psycho Star Wars fan. He even has a tattoo of Jar-jar Binks on his delt.”

People are being advised to steer clear of the 325th Airborne Infantry Regiment until this is resolved, or until they have seen the movie.

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • disqus_mrspaul

    I can see this quickly becoming a matter of National Security!!! Actually, since it appears to be involving mostly Special Operations Forces, I see this as a hidden ploy between Hollywood and the fucking New York Slimes, to take down our Army. Look what they’ve already done to our SEAL’s!!! Fucking Communists!!!

  • Jim

    I heard the hobo living in the 3rd Special Forces Group barracks had a DVD of Princess Laid and Dirk Vader in a ripoff movie called Return of the Headi…..

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