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War Criminal Pardoned For Conducting “16 After-Birth Abortions” In Afghanistan

In a bold move coming off the heels of the shocking videos where Planned Parenthood was exposed for harvesting fully “intact” baby fetuses and selling them for profit, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, GEN Martin Dempsey, and the Chief of staff of the Army, GEN Raymond Odierno, have made a joint announcement they will pardon SSG Robert Bales for a similar act when he “aborted” 16 Afghan full-grown fetuses in a shooting rampage.

Robert BalesInitially, the act left Bales a convicted murderer and in prison for the rest of his life. Both Generals, in the twilight of their careers, saw an opportunity to capitalize during a time of protracted budget constraints to potentially open the door for the military to “profit by harvesting organs of terrorists.” When approached for comment, the office of the CJCS replied, “Since Planned Parenthood already has the market for this commodity cornered in the states, we wanted to expand the idea to the rest of the globe.”

The office of the CSA added to this comment stating, “Clearly no one cares about combating terrorism anymore. We don’t even call it the GWOT anymore, we call it ‘overseas contingency operations.’ Who’s going to miss a few body parts of terrorists that can easily be staged as being killed in a bombing raid? Especially if the terrorist fetuses are still only in their infantile stages of radicalism, and only in their 240th month of development?”

Expecting outrage from their civilian leadership, the Defense Secretary was asked to comment this evening on his thoughts about his senior leadership. To our surprise, Secretary Carter responded by saying, “Why should I care what my Chairman and one of my Chiefs are trying to do in this situation? They’re merely falling in line with everything the Administration asks us to do. I’ve already got 2-Star Generals looking over the shoulders of E-5 Ranger Instructors to ensure women pass their squad patrols in Ranger School, why shouldn’t these two 4-Stars have the leeway to take the law into their own hands? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to my next IPR on how we can change the narrative of the transgendered from suffering from a ‘disease of assumption’ that they can be anything they want to be to ‘being all they can be in the Army.’ I hear we’ll have PVT Chelsea Manning testifying today, I expect a lot of progress to be made.”

When our office attempted to reach out to Bales’ public affairs representative, based in Fort Sam Houston, TX, SGT Bowe Bergdahl could not be reached for comment. After his last run in with police during a pot raid SG an underground weed farm, he was reunited with the Army after coordinating for a “prisoner exchange at an established drop off point,” something Bergdahl is all too familiar with at this point in his career. Since then, he was last seen walking east towards the Afghan/Pakistan border.

Ironically, recent leaks from a senior DOD official stated the Army is looking to continue funding their ongoing fight in Afghanistan currently known as Operation Freedom’s Sentinel by selling “Bergdahl Brownies” to local nationals. It would be a great “grass roots” fundraiser to continue to internally fund the fight in Afghanistan. If successful, they plan on launching a larger effort during the upcoming Spring ’16 offensive known as Operation Margaret Sanger. Only time will tell whether this operation will be either executed, piecemealed out, or aborted altogether, but many within DOD hope it pans out.

Ultimately, SSG Robert Bales is expected to be released early next week. The only other information able to be attained at this point was that he had to accept the fact that he would still be discharged under “other than honorable conditions.” When the office of the CJCS was questioned on the reason for the OTH discharge, the response given by his spokesman said,

“Look, had he actually left the fully developed Afghan fetuses ‘intact’ leaving us the flexibility to harvest their organs for ‘research purposes,’ we probably would have let him keep his GI Bill.” While some argue Bales’ actions were cold-blooded murder, liberal supporters that also support Planned Parenthood’s actions, including Senator Elizabeth Warren, are hailing Bales as “quite possibly the most progressive visionary of the 21st Century . . . a maverick and trailblazer for the future of human research.” Under the climate of sequestration, it’s easy to understand why the DOD is taking such extreme measures to harvest as many programs they can rather than killing them and dealing with just salvaging the pieces and parts of unwanted, inanimate objects.

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