(WASHINGTON, D.C.) In a surprise decision announced late Friday evening by embattled Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs Eric Shinseki, self-described feminist/atheist and grievance industry professional Melody Hensley, 29, was awarded full VA disability due to PTSD she acquired due to mean tweets about her written by US veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan. Hensley managed to convince Shinseki that her PTSD from mean tweets was “on par” with that incurred by veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan and, as it was directly caused by veterans, she should receive full disability from the VA.
“In the beginning, my PTSD was due solely to being trolled by this guy called Thunderf00t,” Hensley explained. “He followed me all over the Internet, pointing out the rampant hypocrisy in my online postings and in my public appearances. He was annoying, but I was able to use legal action and my friends in the professional grievance industry to try to marginalize him, especially when we ‘outed’ him to his employer.”
“But when those veterans began to get involved… that’s when I REALLY smelled a payday.”
“But once the news broke that I said I had PTSD from mean things he said about me, and that it was on par with that of people who got PTSD from genuinely traumatic conditions such as combat, the floodgates REALLY opened up. Veterans were coming out of the woodwork to challenge my PTSD claims, saying all kinds of mean things like ‘are you serious,’ and ‘PTSD? Only if you mean Pretend Twitter Self-Delusion,’ and ‘how the hell do you get PTSD from hurt feelings,’ I mean really hurtful, misogynistic and hateful things like that, simply because I’m a proud and active feminist and atheist. I’ve been languishing in near-total obscurity my whole life, but when those veterans began to get involved…” she paused, smiling smugly in that way she always does, “well, let’s just say that’s when I REALLY smelled a payday.”
In response to veteran outrage expressed on her Twitter feed, Hensley threatened to notify the commanding officers of any troops who dared cross her by calling her out on her highly suspect PTSD claims. Thousands of Soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, and even the odd Coastie subsequently posted their entire chain of command’s first and last names, home, work, and cell numbers, Facebook account names and Twitter handles, often with the phases “bring it,” “lol, tell me how that works out 4 U,” and “come at me, bro!”
After contacting a platoon commander from the First Marines and a team sergeant in the 2nd Special Forces Group, Hensley quickly learned that no one in the military buys her stupid claim and no one was going to play her stupid game. Stunned that the responses from irate commanders and first sergeants were filled with even more poisonous invective than that of the enlisted troops tormenting her, Hensley found an unlikely ally in, of all places, the Veterans Administration.
At a fundraiser to support Hillary Clinton’s 2016 Presidential campaign, Hensley ran into Veterans’ Administration Secretary Eric Shinseki, who as usual was out hobnobbing with the rich Washington elite instead of straightening out the very real problems in the VA. Shinseki vowed on the spot (and within the hearing of Hillary Clinton) to provide an appropriate remedy.
“Veterans dying by the dozens while languishing on secret waiting lists? Meh. But a women getting PTSD from veterans talking meanly to her? That’s stopping RIGHT NOW.”
“Missus… sorry I mean ‘Mizz’ Hensley is the true victim here,” Shinseki said. “These allegations, if true, are absolutely unacceptable. I’m ordering that Mizz Hensley’s claim be moved to the absolute front of the line and that her claim, and any subsequent ones like hers, get immediately approved and paid.” There is no word how this decision might impact the already-critical backlog of VA claims from people with actual PTSD.
Due to Shinseki’s inexplicably lingering influence over the military, several active duty service members were punished for speaking out against Mizz Hensley by being forced to wear the black beret in every formation, including physical fitness training, and several people no longer in the service found their VA benefits suddenly cancelled. Our sources tell us that part of Mizz Hensley’s compensation package will include a military ID card, privileged parking outside of the Fort Belvoir PX and commissary, complementary space-available travel, and free lodging at the military’s Hale Koa hotel in Hawaii. She was also given an executive position in the VA, but due to her PTSD is unable to work, so she will hold the position and draw a six-figure salary while doing no work for the VA whatsoever.