- John Stewart will be named the new executive producer for The O’Reilly Factor on FOX News. “I can’t fight it any longer,” will say Stewart. “I’ve been living a lie.”
- Caitlyn Jener will be the new Cover Girl.
- Yields on the benchmark 10-year Treasury note will rise to 12%, much to the chagrin of the Treasury Department, the stock market and the hordes of Americans who have no fucking clue what a Treasury note is.
- The Taliban will announce the activation of an Amazon force that wears a new camouflage burkha which makes them virtually invisible in Afghanistan’s rocky terrain. “It’s a good fit for us,” will say Asifa Tuqwari, commander of the new all-female force, “because we’re already virtually invisible everywhere in Afghanistan.”
- Hillary Clinton will drop out of the presidential race to take the reigns of her new $30 million startup corporation whose products will facilitate email encryption and dating sites.
- Charles Kony will appear on Dancing with the Stars.
- “Unicorns,” startups valued at more than $1 billion, will proliferate, become all the rage, and spur the explosion of “elves,” startups valued at more than $100 million, and “faeries,” startups valued at more than $10 million. Anything under $10 million is a “troll.” This market will then exceed the money available to sustain them, leading to a collapse. All unicorns, elves and faeries will then withdraw to Financial Neverland where they will await human financial consciousness to catch-up.
- Miss Piggy and Kermit will get back together and announce that they are adopting thirty-two African Dwarf frogs and twenty-eight Chinese Ling pigs and are extremely excited to be starting their new and very voluminous family. “Rest assured, all our kids will be tagged,” will say a breathless Miss Piggy.
- Chris Christie’s ratings will rocket when he wins a hot dog eating contest, then two days later trashes a TV studio and sends four people to an ER. “That’s just what we need in the White House,” will say Christie supporter Elmer Castigan, “a man’s man who can eat big and kick ass.”
- Walter Palmer and the son of Cecil the Lion will meet in Hawang National Park in Zimbabwe for a heartfelt reconciliation. Things will start out well, but will turn bad when Palmer makes an off-color Lion King joke and Cecil’s son then kills and eats Palmer.
- Kim Davis will announce her divorce from her husband and engagement to her long-time best friend, Rita Mae Carlson.
- The Yemen Civil War will end with the opening of three Muslim Disneylands, in Sana’a, Balhaf and Rumah.
- Donald Trump will choose Deez Nuts (Iowa teen whose real name is Brady Olsen) as his running mate.
- Ahmed Mohammed will start his own clock company, but it will close several months later due to a deluge of requests for bomb making plans and tips.
- Pluto will regain its pride when it will be recategorized as a planet and will be further emboldened when Neil deGrasse Tyson declares that Pluto is his favorite planet and that he would like to build a vacation home there.
- The NFL will hire its first hermaphrodite as a referee and the NBA will hire its first dwarf.
- China and Taiwan will unify and call their new nation The Unified Republic of the Dragon People.
- Flibanserin, the female sex drive pill, will be shown to be the cause of dramatically increased husband beatings across the U.S. Candice Crawford, wife of Tony Romo, quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys, will say in her trial, for the savage beating of her husband, “Hey, when its lovin time, I don’t want to hear ‘No.’ By the way, who has my medicine?”
- Taylor Swift will drop out of music, move to Colorado to open a pot farm and lama ranch and will put on 100 pounds.
- John Snow will arise from the dead as leader of the White Walkers. Each episode will not contain Snow getting it on with a White Walker hottie. This will give rise to White Walker Porn on hundreds of new web sites.
- Starbucks will announce the opening of dozens of new stores in Myanmar, the Gaza Strip and Nigeria. “We seek stability through coffee,” said Howard Schultz, Starbucks CEO.
- Univ. of New Mexico and Wichita State University football teams will play for the national championship, which will shock football fans, especially since WSU doesn’t have a football team.
- Elmo will be named the new lead spokesman for the NRA. “We need to do a better job of reaching out to young kids,” will say NRA president, James W. Porter II.
- The Greenland Ice Sheet will finally melt away enough to expose Noah’s Ark, Amelia Earhart’s plane and a hidden civilization of advanced, highly intelligent neanderthals.
- Disney will take over running the Smithsonian.
- Pope Francis will announce a Vatican outreach project that will involve cardinals traveling the globe doing hip-hop masses and stand-up comedy jams in attempts to connect with Catholics and non-Catholics. “And some of these guys I just need to get the hell out of Rome for a while,” the Pope will tell a widow from Winnipeg while administering the eucharist.
- Serena and Venus Williams will announce their candidacy for US President. But their campaign will be doomed due to confusions over who is running for president and who for vice.
- Syrian refugees will begin performing flash mob musicals all over Europe. Fan favorites will be Cats and Miss Saigon.
- John A. Boehner, former House Speaker, will announce the launch of his new company which will sell a line of premium dildos. “You can only ignore an obvious synergy like this for so long,” Boehner will say at the company’s IPO launch.
- The Marshall Islands will launch a project to cover each of the South Pacific nation’s 1,000 islands with water-proof domes. “We think we have solved the mystery of Atlantis,” will claim Christopher Loeak, president of the Marshall Islands. The MI will also partner with Medtronic, Inc, in developing gill prosthetics.
- The refugee crisis in Europe, pressuring government stabilities and corporate profits across the continent, will lead to various creative solutions, one of which will be the unveiling of Muslim Foreign Legions in every European country. Service in the MFLs will be required for males and females over the age of 18 in order to gain citizenship and not be deported. Romania and Germany both will field twenty MFL divisions in the first year.
- Trump’s hair will be kidnapped and a $1,000,000 ransom demanded, which Trump will pay.
- The GOP will split into 3 separate political parties. The GOP mascot will remain the elephant. The RINO Party mascot will be the rhinoceros. And the Koch party mascot will be the rich guy from the Monopoly board game.
- U.S.-China relations will improve when Schlitterbahn opens a new water park on the Spratly Islands.
- The Black Lives Matter movement will produce a Broadway show, open museums in Philadelphia, Chicago and LA, open an amusement park outside Atlanta, and launch a hip-hop clothing line.
- An all-female Muslim fighting force, trained and led by U.S. CST and FET troops, descends on ISIS and wipes them out to a man in two weeks of intense fighting. Afterward the new nation of Amazonia is declared and from which all men are banished. “They say that they have had it with Muslim men and are not putting up with any shit any longer,” will say COL Susan Babisher, Marine FET officer. “And I can’t say that I blame them. Matter of fact, me and my girls are going to hang here for a while. We’ll call you when we need you.”
- Russia’s economy will improve. Its GDP will rise to $1.8 trillion, from $1.2 trillion. Inflation will drop from 12.9% to 2.3% and gross salary for the average Russian citizen will jump to 110,000 rubles a month, around $1,500. These improvements will happen due to Putin somehow and miraculously eradicating all oligarchy and corruption from the Russian economy. At a G8 summit announcing these numbers, and the end of Russia’s G8 suspension, Putin will remark, “Your move America.”
- A mule will win the Triple Crown.
- Political and Military News Satire You Can Trust
"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
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