Okay, all you yahoos, gather ‘round. We, the editors at Hit The Woodline, offer the following suggestions to help you prepare, mentally and materially, for New Year’s Eve. It is not just about getting shit faced drunk. Well, not entirely. But, there are other factors, traditions and superstitions to consider. Your fate for the coming year, or possibly just your getting laid that night, are at stake. So, take heed. You have been advised.
Kissing at Midnight
One of the most important New Year’s Even traditions is planting a wet one on your spouse, girl or boyfriend, main squeeze, or just whoever is within arm’s reach. But, choose carefully, for your choice may influence your carnal activities the rest of the night.
However, under no circumstances are you to grab and lip-lock your mother or father, or your First Sergeant, Master Chief or CO. Doing so with siblings and cousins are entirely up to you and your unique family dynamics.
No bare cupboards or larders is a long-held New Year’s Even tradition. Along those lines, make sure that you are stocked with way too much beer, chips and KY jelly. And take this opportunity to buy much more ammunition than you think you need, even for calibers for which you have no weapon. Remember: No such thing as too much ammo. Or beer. Or burnt ends. Especially if you aren’t humping it on your back, or if your wife isn’t with you insisting on buying new window treatments.
Paying Off Debt
Start the year with no debt. Pay off your bar tabs, at least at those bars you will probably be going back to. Pay off your credit cards, unless you plan to be skipping the country soon. Pay off your bookie, and without placing another bet at the same time. And if you are still paying off student loans, and if it has been longer than twenty years since you graduated college, inform your alma mater that you consider your account paid in full and that you will be suing them for false representation.
The first person to enter your home after the stroke of midnight can have a be impact on the coming year. That first person to enter your home is called the “First Footer.”
Ladies, make sure your First Footer is a good looking, rugged man bearing wine. Guys, make sure your First Footer is a good looking, scantily clad woman carrying at least two cases of beer. By herself. No trucks or carts. It is good if also they are carrying a wad of cash, a unit coin and a brick of ammo. And no one leaves the premises before the First Footer arrives. To allow otherwise is very bad luck.
Guys, it is fine to recruit and station a female First Footer outside your door for entry at the desired time. Ladies, only if your husband is blind drunk.
Food served on New Year’s Eve is very important. What is served on that eve has been proven to impact both luck and prosperity.
Southern tradition stipulates things such as ham hocks, collard greens and black-eyed peas. Northern traditions include lentil soup, pork and sauerkraut. Military traditions include MRE meals #4, Pork Sausage with Gravy, #16, Pork Ribs, #17, Maple Sausage (except no one’s really sure what’s in that), and everyone’s all-time favorite, Split-Tail Fish Tacos.
Do some amount of work in regards to a project that you want to succeed this year. That does not include nailing the blonde down on Three. This could also include working out, but not excessively, since you will likely be nursing a soul-shattering hangover.
Don’t break anything on that first day of the year, lest the new year be marred by wreckage. Unless your goals include wrecking some shit or fucking some shit up, or you have some leftover fireworks or C4 laying around and you really want to light up your neighbor’s lives. Then, by all means, get after it.
By all means, avoid crying on the first day of the year lest the tone for the year be set. And if you make it through the 1st day, maybe you can make it through the 2nd, and hell maybe even the 3rd. And, what the hell, maybe you can just quit crying altogether, and put on your own diapers and wash your own damn bottles. Just sayin’.
Make a lot of noise at midnight. You’re not just celebrating. You’re scaring away evil spirits, so that you can be evil spirit free in the coming year. At least until your old buddy, Billy Ray, hits town and you two go out for BBQ, to celebrate his one month sobriety, and you wake up two days later not sure of your name, next to a female impersonator calling you “Sweetums.”
Traditional superstition of many cultures assert that evil spirits, and even the Devil himself, are scared off by loud noises. Need ideas? See Breakage, above. Also, we, the editors, are fairly certain that loud sex also applies here. Why? Because we want it to.
Happy New Year and good luck.