Los Angeles, CA – The Women of Crossfit are known for their extremely fit bodies, but what are the negative outcomes of this new craze? In a new study conducted by the Froning Center, which specializes in researching companies that re-name preexisting things to sell them to dumb people, it has been found that Crossfit has been directly linked to the “Female Douchebag.”
Dr. Dingleberry, a subject matter expert states, “Subjects introduced to Crossfit show nearly a 600% increase in Dyvaginal-Dousherianal (female douchebag) within the first six months of contact. Subjects see an increased use of the words “Bro” and “WOD,” trips to Lulu Lemon, drinking PBR, listening to Lil Wayne, and wearing fucking ridiculously colored shoes called “Nanos.” In addition, although not proven yet, it seems that every “WOD” must be posted on some form of social media outlet to let people know, “Hey, I fucking working out.”
Kelly, a former Crossfitter states, “I was three months into Crossfit when I luckily severely injured my neck and shoulder due to poor form. Although I can’t look left anymore, I’m thankful that I got out before contracting the disease.”
A man dating a Crossfitter, who wishes to remain nameless due to potential threats from the Crossfit cult states, “I had been dating a girl for six months when she decided to start Crossfit. At first, I was excited because of her physical changes, but soon became wary. At one point I thought she was having a stroke after hearing her say ‘Brah’ nearly fifteen times in one minute. I then thought she needed a bra, but realized soon after she had contracted Dyvaginal-Dousherianal. Soon after this, I got a knock on my door to what I thought were Mormon Missionaries, but it was her friends trying to convince me to do Crossfit. Let us into your life, become enlightened, they said. I slammed the door and did some fucking bicep curls.”
When trying to interview a current Crossfit member of four years, I found it truly difficult to get any answers. Each question I asked was answered with “Bro do you even Crossfit?” In an attempt to understand their kind through assimilation, I showed up at a Crossfit Games party hosted by a local Crossfit gym. When I asked them why they love working out at their gym so much, I was immediately screamed at; being told, “It’s a ‘Box’ you moron, we don’t go to gyms.” During the entire party, they talked about how they wanted Rich Froning to come inside their “Box” and “clean” their dirty “snatches.” Thankfully, I brought a Rogue Fitness Magazine and was able distract them long enough to run home from all the horrible Paleo food.
As I was just about to head home from the gym to post this article a woman approached me in the gym as she saw me doing power-cleans. She stated, “Oh my gosh brah, how long have you been a crossfitter!?” I told her that I simply do Olympic Lifting. She said, “What’s that?” and gave me a very confused look and walked away.
-Mat Best, Contributing writer and professional shit talker
Author’s Note: If you get defensive reading this article, please consult with a physician, you may be a victim.