Christmastown Disappeared
December 27, 2015
New Years Suggestions
December 31, 2015

New Bacon Grease Missile

Raytheon announced today an exciting addition to its line of air-to-ground missiles: the AGM-98 “Hell Pig”, an air-to-ground missile with a two-pound can of bacon grease loaded in the nose that can cover an area of five hundred meters with vaporized bacon grease, ensuring the damnation of all Muslims in that blast area.

Just like the infamous Jihawg ammo, the Hell Pig is a munition intended for Muslim combatants and brings a whole new level of PsyOps to the battle-space and more options for commanders. The Hell Pig leverages the Muslim aversion to all things pork, which is forbidden by the Quran because, it claims, pigs are unclean. Muslim clergy today also claim that pork is unhealthy and has no nutritional benefits.

“That’s pretty funny,” said Dave Rodriguez, Raytheon security contractor, “when you consider how most Muslims live over there in the Middle East. From my view, it’s kind of an insult to pigs.”

The name of the missile is also a departure for Raytheon. “We decided that weak names for powerful weapon systems was a bad idea,” said Raye Mastin, VP of Marketing at Raytheon. “Gone are the days of Stinger, Sparrow and Sidewinder. Serpents, insects and small birds. Really? What were the people who named those weapons thinking? I mean, really.” Mastin said that Raytheon realized that they need to start giving their weapons names that project power and strength, names that intimidate U.S. enemies, possibly even our friends. “And if they scare the ground crews a little, then so much the better,” said Mastin.

“We at Farmland are proud to finally be part of the Global War on Terror and to be playing an active part in the defense of this great country of ours,” said Cliff Kittlemac, VP of Marketing at  Farmland Foods, Inc, one of the nations top  bacon producers. “It’s an exciting new era in weaponised pork,” said Kittlemac. “It’s opening up all sorts of new strategic opportunities.”

The Hell Pig also includes a camera in the nose of the missile that simulcasts the flight and kill, which can be accessed by subscribers for a low monthly fee. Subscribers can then capture flight and kill images and create e-cards (electronic/online greeting cards) for birthdays and holidays.

Raytheon spokesmen assured Hit The Woodline that the Hell Pig is included in the on-going After Christmas Weapons Sale going on now. See your Raytheon representative for details.

“One little snag that I see,” said Captain Rory Cassidy, Army MISO officer, when asked for comment, “is making sure that all the Muslims in the area where you intend to use this weapon know the special feature of this weapon, so they can know to be worried about it.”

Several defense industry corporations are rumored to be looking at the same approach for ICBMs, by loading barrels of bacon grease into missiles, and also greasing up mortars and artillery rounds, and grenades. “But, don’t worry,” said Colonel Stan Rogers of DARPA. “All the grease will be on the inside of the rounds. We don’t want our troops handling any slippery ammo. Hell, the ROE’s are slippery enough already.”

“Will all this bacon grease on the battle field mean that we’ll have better chow in the COPs?” said Staff Sergeant Preston Pater of the 26th Infantry Regiment, 1st Infantry Division. “Will a 5.56 round have enough for me to fry up some beans?”

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • Jim

    Hmmmm…….I’m thinking the targets will start calling this “Oink and Boink” Translation-one shot of bacon grease and you’re fucked……..

    My only concern is if it catches fire, our troops will be drawn to the area thinking breakfast is cooking…..

    • Mother Forker

      Uh oh. True, dat. We might be bating out own troops. Damn.

    • Eric Atkinson

      hahahahaha lol

  • herschel wince

    mooslim an’ doggy: bad…folk kno’ dat…. so mebbe them mooslims could learm som’ perro spanglish like in som’ 155’s dressed like chi-hua-hua doggys?….go sumpun’ like dis:….bang…. whistlin’ whistlin’ soun…. den som’ arf arf arfs……..den kabloooees all overs dem halals….yessuh

    • Jim

      Herschel-My wife’s girlfriend from jus outside NOLA speaks same language as you. Do you know a little redhead named PrissyBelle?

      • herschel wince

        y’alls kno’ prissy belle? tha’ lil girl tha’ cuter than a june bug ear’s in ol’ uncle jimmy pardee’s pea patch? an’ t’werent she a cheer queen fer dem mighty lsu bayou tigers? tha’ lil redhead prissy belle? shucks, what a darlin’….thank you an’ the missus, mr jim, an’ happy new year to youse an’ yourn

  • Nathan Bennison

    If they die from involuntary “shirk” like this, Muslims go straight to heaven. This is very kind of Americans, considering the disgusting things we’ve come to expect of them over the last 15 years.

  • The Osprey

    I’ve been telling my friends who crow about “bacon grease coated bullets” for years that what we really need to defeat the jihadists is a liquified bacon grease fuel air explosive. This “Hell Pig” seems to be a step in the right direction. I hear the Russians are working on a real big one, which they will call the “Tsar Piggy”.

  • disqus_mrspaul

    Too fuckin funny!!!

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