(Editor’s Note: The ShadowBlog first broke this exciting news, and it is reposted here with the permission of the original author.)
(COLORADO SPRINGS) In Congressional testimony leaked to the New York Times, Pentagon officials admitted that a Mexican company, “Los Zetas, LLC,” won a no-bid contact to be the sole supplier of organic marijuana for the Army and Air Force Exchange Service (AAFES) business monopoly. High-quality cannabis in smokeable and edible forms has been quietly been sold on select US military bases in Colorado since pot became legal in the state on January 1st of this year, and original sales expectations are already up in smoke, as are the sales records for the food courts outside AAFES stores throughout the state.
The revenue from sales at military exchanges, which are free of both Federal and State taxes, exceeded expectations to that point that pot profits can not only eliminate the 1% decrease in veterans’ retirement cost of living adjustment (COLA) recently inflicted on retirees by Congress, but also are enough that military retirees could actually see a COLA increase of 2.5% over the cost of inflation in their monthly checks.
Unfortunately, Congress voted to keep the military pay cut in place and instead use AAFES profits to give themselves a raise.
Naturally, Congressional oversight committees were furious at the recent revelation because they were not consulted prior to sales kick off and have received a series of complaints from other suppliers in their own districts, including The Sinaloa Corp, Green Gulf LTD, and Knights Templar Enterprises who all claimed unfair business practices.
Several US-based companies including various motorcycle clubs as well as LA and Chicago-based youth consortiums like MS13.com and TheBloods, Inc. also filed suit with the Department of Justice, claiming that outsourcing supply clearly violates the Berry amendment which requires the Department of Defense to give priority to “Made in the USA” products and vendors.
“We have plenty of pot growers right here in the good ol’ USA,” US Senator John McCain (R, AZ) stated indignantly at a hastily-called news conference earlier today. “In fact, some of them have been donating to my campaign for the last 30 years. Allowing the Mexicans to undercut American growers and businessmen is a non-starter, at least in my district.”
He then let a crowd of several hundred supports in a chant of, “US pot for US pot heads!” before retreating back to his office to help his colleagues plot even more ways to screw over US military veterans and their families, like he did by voting for Sequestration.
Preliminary estimates, based on less than two weeks of sales, indicate that if all AAFES stores throughout the US adopt similar pot policies, the American $1 trillion plus deficit will actually become a surplus before summer. Interestingly, initial data suggests that American military productivity will plummet to all-time lows. Researchers are puzzled about the possibility that the relationship between pot and lower productivity might be related.
Senior government staffers, who were not authorized to speak publicly so of course they leaked to the press instead, claim that Congress is looking to increase taxes on all sales of the most popular “munchies,” such as Zig-Zag, Rip-It, Doritos and microwave burritos, currently for sale in AAFES stores as a way to offset unforeseen costs of the ObamaCare roll-out.
The new rules in Colorado are causing even more problems in the US military than the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” While pot is legal for troops at bases inside Colorado, drugs of all types are still a big no-no for the rest of the military. Some units began running their own “grow gardens” to augment the unit-level “cup and flower fund” and to offset the cost of the Army’s frequent and ridiculous uniform changes, but this was quickly shut down under regulations that prevent competition with AAFES on military installations. While Pentagon guidance stipulates that only pot approved by the military and sold in AAFES stores is legal for Soldiers to consume, because of the inability to prove where pot-smoking took place, the Army will no longer be punishing Soldiers who turn up “hot” on a urinalysis for THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.
“Like bestiality, the drinking age or gay marriage, if it’s legal in the state in which you’re assigned, you may partake,” said Sergeant Major of the Army Dan Dailey. “The Constitution is very clear: all rights not specifically reserved for the Federal government belong to the States and the People. Far be it on the military to go against something in the Constitution, like the right to keep and bear arms.”
Chandler’s announcement was soon followed by an inexplicable Army-wide spike in temporary duty (TDY) trips and requests for assignment orders to Colorado bases.
The new rules also allow unit-level medics on Colorado bases to prescribe medicinal marijuana instead of just handing out Motrin for every affliction from a twisted ankle to a traumatic amputation like they usually do. There is also a bill before Congress to allow troops to self-medicate for serious issues that commonly affect US troops, such as PTSD, getting their feelings hurt by a drill sergeant at basic training, breaking up with their transsexual Russian hooker girlfriend, or failing a PT test.
Ordinarily we’d say that we will keep you posted this story, but since we’re traveling to Colorado for… “field research” later this week, our give-a-shit factor might be too low for future work on this story, or any story for that matter. Stay tuned.