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Man Goes to Heaven, Talks HBO with God

2010’s best seller Heaven is for Real which was based on a real life 4-year-old’s account of heaven is now a feature film starting Greg Kinnear. The film has grossed close to $100 million since it’s release in April, and now major studios are clamoring to buy up the rights to other “God stuff”.

Hot off the success of the book and film, more proof has emerged about the existence of heaven. In May of this year, a Chicago man had his own near death experience after being hit by a bus while riding a Divvy bike; Chicago’s new bike share program. The man, Bolton Curpo, has come forward and is looking to sell the rights to his story. We sat down with Curpo to hear more about his amazing experience.

It was just like how people always explain it. I could see this bright light. I was moving down this corridor towards the light. When I got to the end of the corridor, I could see him. God. He looked me over then asked, “So how was it? How was life?” I just shrugged and said, “It was OK.”

He seemed a little surprised by that answer so he pressed me a little more. “Just OK? Well, what was the best part?” I thought about it for a second then responded, “Probably HBO original programming.” God smiled and said, “Yeah, you’re probably right. Here, have a seat.”

So there I was. Sitting across from God. He was pretty cool too. Definitely put me at ease. Made me feel like it wasn’t an interview or anything, which it obviously was. He leaned in and asked, “You know what’s the most disappointing?”

Curpo: What?

God: Showtime. On it’s surface it’s got everything HBO’s got, but… I mean, it’s no HBO.

Curpo: I couldn’t agree more.

God: What did you think of The Wire?

Curpo: Oh, I um… I actually haven’t seen The Wire.

God: How have you not seen The Wire! It’s amazing!

Curpo: Everyone says it’s great. I just didn’t get to it.

God: At least tell me you’re caught up on Game of Thrones.

Curpo: Aw, yeah… I um…

God: How. Have. You. Not. Seen. Game of Thrones? What the fuck have you been doing down there?

Curpo: It was on my bucket list but…

God: What exactly have you been watching on HBO?

Curpo: Sex and the City.

God: Jesus Christ.

Then God went silent for a few seconds. I thought he was sending me to hell for sure but then, “OK, I’m going to send you back to earth but under a few conditions.” I’d have agreed to anything at that point so I was like, “Let’s hear it.”

God: One, you have to watch The Wire. Two, you have to watch GoT. Three, and this is the most important. I want you to see what they have in store for the second season of True Detective. I’m God so I know where they’re going with this thing and let’s just say… it’s a game changer.

In that moment all I was thinking was, “Wow, sounds like what he was really doing on the seventh day was binge watching HBO GO.” Of course I didn’t actually say that. Instead I just said, “Absolutely. No problem.” Then God started to open up a bit. He asked, “Can I be totally honest with you?” I was like, “God, talk to me.”

God: Well, it’s just that, when I see a show that’s as well written as True Detective, it makes me self-conscious about my own writing. I mean, The Bible was really just a first draft. It got great distribution and everything… I just think it could have been better.

Here was my chance to schmooze him a little. I figured even God likes getting his ego stroked. I was like, “God, I’m not going to let you talk like that. I’m not going to let you be so self-deprecating. The Bible is great. People love it. New Testament, arguably the best sequel ever made.”

God: You really think so?

Curpo: Absolutely.

God: What was your favorite part?

I stammered a little then was like, “the water into wine thing was pretty good and um… the um…” Now God, the omniscient being that he is, could see right through my bullshit. “You haven’t read it have you?” I laid it all on the table, “I swear to God, I will read The Bible just as soon as I’m caught up on Game of Thrones!

God’s love of HBO original programming provides two major insights into the Almighty. First, he’s a fan of violence, which shouldn’t surprise anyone. Second, he’s apparently more into gratuitous sex than was previously reported. Curpo also added that God is quite fond of other HBO favorites like The Sopranos, Band of Brothers, Entourage, True Blood, and Real Sex. However, he is not a fan of the network’s late-90s prison drama Oz on account of quote, “too many dicks.” God was unwilling to provide casting updates for season two of True Detective but did say, “It’s someone you’d never expect to do TV, but then again, it’s not TV… it’s HBO.”

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