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Keenan to Play NFL Games on Carriers

Navy Secretary Ray Mabus announced today that Keenan Reynold, Navy quarterback, may be granted permission and accommodation to play in the NFL next year, instead of being required to serve his time on active duty, but only if all his NFL games are played on U.S. Navy aircraft carriers.

“We see this as being a potentially enormous win-win for the Navy and the NFL,” said Rear Admiral Mellman Skuidmore, Annapolis alumnus. “Besides, his first choice of assignment is information warfare,” said Skuidmore. “Hell, with this NFL plan, he’ll probably have more time on ships than if he doesn’t play.”

Reynolds, a senior, has expertly led Navy’s triple-option offense the last four years, at times making his offense look like SEALs doing a precision HVT snatch-and-grab.

The Navy says that allowing Keenan to play for an NFL team will require that he simultaneously fulfill his mandatory five-year military commitment to the Navy. Navy spokesmen have said, repeatedly, that Keenan deserves to use and benefit from his natural athletic gifts, but that the Navy deserves to benefit along with him. After all, Keenan and the Navy have a legal and binding agreement.

Hit The Woodline has learned that the Navy also is drawing up plans for special berths to be built for each of the Navy’s aircraft carriers that would have stadium-like seating for fans on both sides and at one end. The plans call for these multi-billion dollar berth-stadiums to be built in San Diego, Norfolk and Bremerton. A second phase, contingent upon agreements with host nations, also sees berth-stadiums being built in Yokosuka, Japan, Subic Bay, Philippines, and Sydney, Australia.

“Picture this,” said Skuidmore, “Keenan Reynolds leading the San Diego Chargers against the Seattle Seahawks on the deck of the USS Enterprise, watched by thousands in stands surrounding the ship and by millions on TV.”

Pearl Harbor, in particular, according to Navy sources, has ideal locations for multiple berthing-stadiums that would be perfect for a top bowl game, and also for world rugby matches and CrossFit championships. “Hell, man, who doesn’t want excuses to go to Oahu?” said Skuidmore.

“The Navy needs to up its Public Affairs game,” said Secretary Mabus. “It is really hard to stay militarily and culturally relevant when all of today’s wars are ground-based and asymmetrical.”

Secretary Mabus has tasked Naval Special Warfare Command to examine the feasibility of Top SEAL competitions, which could be held in the berth-stadiums. The berth-stadiums could also be used for sexual harassment training and for USO and Christmas shows. Rumors are that the Navy and the USO are currently searching for the new Bob Hope.

Said Keenan Reynold, when asked for comment, “So, if aircraft carriers will be the new football platforms, what will be the new naval air platforms?”

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • disqus_mrspaul

    Mitch Harris, Relief Pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals MLB Team fulfilled his 5 year commitment to the Navy. Then he worked hard, and made it to the Major Leagues this past year, I believe. He’s really good. This is no bullshit!!!

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