Minneapolis, Minnesota – Jesse Ventura, well known as a Navy SEAL, professional wrestler, as well as the governor of Minnesota, has just released a statement confirming rumors about his recent hospitalization. Only hours after winning a 1.8 million dollar settlement against the widow of Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, Ventura was admitted to the Mayo Clinic following symptoms that were confirmed as the onset of the Ebola Virus.
Despite the fact that most are convinced it was an epic act of karma, doctors are reporting that it is likely due to Mr. Ventura’s frequent travels back and forth to the areas that are seeing a resurgence in the centuries old plague, to sue the widows of those who died from the plague. Either way, no one is very upset about the fact that Ventura was among the first Americans to contract the deadly virus.
Many in the Naval Special Warfare community are hoping that he beats the sickness, as they are still preparing their lawsuit against him for defaming the name of Navy SEALs everywhere with his lawsuit against the widow of a fellow SEAL. They are suing for exactly 1.8 million dollars, which they will be donating back to the Kyle family if won. Unlike Ventura, who was not stopped by the death of the person he was suing, the NSW personnel have said they will not sue any of his family members should Ventura die from the disease.
Questions still remain though. Will Ventura beat the deadly Ebola virus? Will the virus spread to other people like Justin Bieber, Nancy Pelosi, or that dick who cut me off on the interstate today? Will Ventura continue with the planned publication of his latest book How to Win Friends and Influence People: A Navy SEAL’s Guide to Building a Personal Brand? If he does die, will Chris Kyle rig up and parachute from Valhalla into the depths of Hell to personally punch him in the face… again? We shall see, but for now we will be keeping a close eye on the situation, as well as laughing at the irony of it all.