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ISIS Reaches Out to NFL Refs

Hit the Woodline has learned that ISIS and al Qaida have contacted the NFL’s Officiating Department in hopes of contracting their help in the growing competition between the two groups.

Said a high level source within ISIS, “We came to realize that we have no way of knowing when one or the other of us won or lost in this global killing game. We were in trouble and needed help. So, we called the experts.”

Both sides agree that this new phase in their operations, of targeting Europe and the United States, requires a more established points system if their evolving competition is to be resolved.

“The NFL convinced us to think of this next phase as ‘the second half’,” said Abu Nadjif, head of Inter-Terror Negotiations for al-Qaeda. “And I kind of like that. It implies that there is a sort of end to the game, which we had never considered before.”

Al-Qaeda has been struggling to stay relevant as a terror organization in light of all the attention that ISIS has gotten most of this year, especially after the Paris attacks, and have begun ramping up operations and attacks to regain some “street cred” within the Terror Community. The Mali attack was evidence of that.

This struggle for terror dominance between the two organizations, and all their affiliates, is pushing both toward more ambitious and aggressive operations in Europe and the United States.

“It was just a few weeks ago that it occurred to us that in the current operations model we have no idea who is even ahead, much less when to know when one of us has won the competition,” said Wahabi al-Qasabi, head of Market Development for ISIS. “We have been adopting western business models to make our organizations more efficient. But, we still had no metrics to gauge performance.”

“Points awarded for different victims, in different countries, is a sticking point now,” said Nadjif. “And also points awarded for killing fighters of the other team. We’re not sure yet how to handle that.”

Said Dean Blandino, NFL Vice President of Officiating, “This is a really busy time of the year for us. But, we will help out these up-and-coming organizations, which we think of as start-up franchises, as much as we can. After all, business is business, and this competition between these two teams is currently the hottest game on the planet.”

Hit The Woodline has also learned that the NSA, CIA and SOCOM, in particular JSOC, have contacted the NFL to offer their services in officiating this competition. No word yet on a decision.

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