Breaking: ISIS Crumbles Under Pressure from Facebook Eiffel Tower Peace Signs
Hit The Woodline’s team of Top Secret intelligence analysts have been monitoring the DarkNet around the clock since Friday and now feel compelled to share their latest finding. While they failed in their original mission to uncover any deleted scenes from the new Star Wars trailer, they did stumble upon something equally as vital to America’s well being, an intercepted message from a top ISIS leader. The message below was sent by Abu Omar al-Khakkkallzaiathlaka (not to be confused with Abu Omar al-Pacino, who was killed in a drone strike during his singular performance as Danny Zuko in The Sinjar Community Theater’s production of Grease.) As you can see, an unexpected response from the global community has the terrorist organization very worried.
From: [email protected]
Date: Tue, Nov 17, 2015 at 4:07 PM
Subject: Oh snap!
Fellas, normally I’d start this by praising the Prophet, but last time I did my so-called friend Tariq said that my use of a smiley face emoticon was akin to me drawing a picture of Mohammad and I had a friggin’ fatwa put on my head. Long story short, the fatwa was called off and Tariq has switched to decaf, so that shit is all fine and good. But, brothers, we got another situation that ain’t so fine and sure as shit ain’t good.
Guys, I know at first we were all “Yay!” “Way to go!” about the Paris attacks. But, clearly we didn’t think this all the way through. Of course we expected Russia and America to start bombing the holy hell out of our cribs. (a day after I installed wall-to-wall in the playroom!) And of course we expected American political candidates to do some fist-shaking and grandstanding. But, what we didn’t expect was this:
It is all over Facebook! People are changing their profile picture to it! Dudes, we are fucked!!!! (Yes, 4-exclamation-points fucked!) This is a nightmare of epic proportions. If everyone on Facebook decides to put up Eiffel Tower peace signs, our mission is doomed! I saw one woman, a PTA president, cut and paste some message about Americans not being allowed to be upset about people getting murdered in Europe unless they are more upset about people getting murdered in Beirut. I don’t understand what she’s saying exactly, but all of this cutting and pasting is scaring the shit out of me.
Look guys, this changes everything. We have clearly awoken a sleeping dragon with this latest attack. Even as a type, I see more Eiffel Tower peace signs popping up. I’m freaking, bros! Every unfollow we get is a spear in the side of our cause. I think we need to seriously lay low for a while and head back to our caves as soon as possible. I know what you’re thinking, “Does that mean we’re cancelling next week’s barbecue and goat-fucking party?” I’m sorry to say it, but yes, that does mean we’re cancelling next week’s barbecue and goat-fucking party.
Oh, no. I just looked at Facebook and now I see that people are putting a French flag filter over their profile pictures.”
Why is ISIS worried? We at Hit The Woodline believe that they are being hit with the realization that social media carries weight. Clearly, the current most popular international symbol for “Dude, let’s chill out and hold hands” has the world’s most reviled psychopaths thinking twice about their blood-soaked war on humanity. Said one SOF operator, when asked for comment, “Keep up the great work, cyber-hippies of Facebook!”
Many people see social media as a venue for cat pictures and kids birthdays while others seek to participate in global events through social media. Such has been the case with recent revolutions, political convulsions and terrorist attacks.
With the release of new Facebook “Break Up Tools,” which allow users to quickly and easily disconnect from ex spouses, boy and girlfriends, BFFs, FWBs and anyone else wanting to make the break, we at The Woodline wonder if this will apply to and help the growing number of disgruntled ISIS volunteers who have had a change of heart.
The Woodline editors would like to thank Senior Security Correspondent Abraham Wink for bringing this to our attention.