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January 7, 2016

ISIS and Taliban to Co-sponsor 1st Annual Boy and Goat Beauty Pageant

Hit The Woodline has learned that the Daesh (ISIS) and Taliban are co-sponsoring their first annual Boy and Goat Beauty Pageant. Anticipation amongst fighters of both groups is said to be high. Planners promise a show of boys and goats and sheer veils and small bells the likes of which have never before been seen.

The pageant will be held sometime this spring in the coastal resort city of Chalus, in Iran, which is approximately halfway between Afghanistan and Syria and Iraq. Details are not yet being made public.

CIA analysts at the CTC are calling it the “Boat Show.”

“Our men get very lonely,” said a senior ISIS leader who would only give his name as “Commander Nabas.” “Our losses are so consistently high, so we must do something to improve morale,” said Nabas. “Already many of my guys are clamoring for permission and tickets to attend this . . . whatever it is. I hope that I will have enough guys left here to continue the fight for Allah. I just hope that someone will be simulcasting this goat fuck.”

The reason for the pageant, according to pageant spokesman Ibn Fuaod al Mawari, is to improve the morale of fighters of both ISIS and the Taliban, in celebrating the beauty of boys and goats, and to build bonds between the two groups. “I can’t think if a better place to do that,” said al Mawari. According to al Mawari, the tradition of conducting negotiations while celebrating goat and camel beauty goes back centuries.

The Purpose is also to improve understanding, amongst Jihadist and all Muslims, of a very long and valued tradition, that of men taking boys as lovers and to build community within the Daesh and Taliban forces, uniting gays, pedophiles and rapists with their brothers who are none of those, provided that such exists.

Lead planner for the pageant is senior Daesh commander Abu Zaid al-Jazrawi, who gained some notoriety recently when a 15-year-old boy, whom he had been raping for several months, was killed in the Syrian city of Deir ez-Zor, by being thrown off a tall building, and al-Jazrawi was only given some tongue lashes by a Sharia Court and a reassignment to Northern Iraq.

According to al-Jazrawi, a tradition of men taking sexual pleasure with pre-pubescent boys, or ghelman, has existed since before Islam. Hermaphroditic boys, in particular, have always been, and still are, highly valued amongst Muslim men who seek the company of boys. According to Koranic scholars, the practice of men taking boys became more commonplace after Islam took root in what is now the Middle East.

“I hope that this pageant will help to better educate many of my brothers on the fact that sex with boys is not gay,” said al-Jazrawi. “Not if you are the penetrator, the guy doing the driving. Then it’s OK because that guy is in control and is not unmanly. But, the boy is guilty of unspeakable sin.”

Gay men often join ISIS in order to protect themselves, and their families. Gay men often report other gays, even friends and former lovers, in order to deflect suspicion.

What about wives? Hit The Woodline asked several fighters that if so many ISIS and Taliban fighters have wives, then why do they take boy lovers?  “Have you ever smelled our women?” said Commander Nabas. “For them to smell better we would have to allow them to bathe regularly. And that’s sure as America not going to happen.”

“I am not gay,” said one of Commander Nabas’s fighters, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I find my wives very attractive, and would like to have sex with them. But, I cannot get near them, due to their stench, and I get horny, so I must have sex with boys. I am not attracted to boys, but I have my needs. Besides, I need to fit in with the other guys.”

Maintaining one’s perception of masculinity is a key point in this issue, in regards to suspicions about one’s sexuality. Masculine men suspected of being gay are often executed. But effeminate men suspected of being gay are assigned to older, senior ISIS leaders, for re-education and training.

Pageant planners announced this week that the tide of interest outside of ISIS and the Taliban has convinced them to open up the pageant to Westerners. Interest has exploded across the United States and Europe. Rumored to be attending are Neil Patrick Harris, Rue Paul, Caitlyn Jenner and Anderson Cooper. Elton John and Nathan Lane are rumored to be co-hosting a gala after-party.

Charter flights will be leaving out of San Francisco, Washington DC, Atlanta, Paris, Madrid and Amsterdam, but most seats are said already to be sold out. All Muslim terrorist groups have agreed not to blow up any of those flights.

“I’m so excited I could just wet my pants right here,” said Lane. “I hope that Cooper will loosen up a little so we can get a little gay out of him.’

Hit The Woodline will not be attending the pageant.

Tickets are available through AliTicketmaster.

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • Jim

    Dang it, I hate to admit it, but I’ve attended several boat shows……

    Now I need counseling…..am I gay?..am I Muslim?…can I still buy a gun?

  • herschel wince

    Sir, er mam, is the thrust of the article implying that the featured goat is a ‘bacha bazi’ trainee? Question 2: dun dis friggin’ goat needs som’ toof work an’ som makeups fer dat gala? an’ 3, dat goat rully is whoopler goldenburger an’ fries in drag, she being from’ dat ‘view show an’ all….thankin’ y’alls in advance

  • disqus_mrspaul

    In a related news item, the wife of the ‘Anonymous’ fighter from Commander Nabas’ troops stated, “That’s my lazy-assed husband Sadiq. The only reason he hangs with them little boys is because they’re the only ones whose dick is smaller than Sadiq’s. He don’t come near us because we smell bad. It’s because we laugh at him. We call him his Mama’s Little Boy”.

    The wives have taken an alarming stand against the men of the region. In a rare show of independence, the women have planted small gardens near their homes, planting a crop that is reported to take care of their needs, and replacing the husband’s in the boudoir. They are growing cucumbers!!!

    • Nana

      cucumbers Mrs. P. ???
      I figured that they would be using ZUCCHINIS , at the very least ….
      regards,
      Nana
      🙂 lol

  • herschel wince

    a very late followup question to the above newsbuster because of current riverine action involving farsi goat boaters: 1. was it established sir, er mam, that them goats is boy dude (billy) goats or girl sissy (nanny) goaters? 2. and sir, er mam, the newsbuster makes mention of the coastal town chalus, iran….so them mooslim dudes are bangin’ dem goaters in boats? too?

  • Casey Burns

    Interesting fact: Muslims invented the condom in 750 AD using the intestine of a goat, the then British refined the invention in 1325 AD by actually removing the intestine from the goat first. “ALOHA SNACK BAR!”

    • disqus_mrspaul

      Too fuckin’ funny!!!!!

  • herschel wince

    Mr Forker, haven’t been back to HIT since Jack opined on SOF and on TV democrat lefty partylines, actually same ol’ commie crap….wtf?…so, I have enjoyed joking around on your very funny site….thanks for that and see ya’
    herschel

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